Zeichen Press

Category: Freaks

  • Blog Post Meridiem

    Nighttime is just like daytime but with fewer socks and more Professor Blastoff.

    Who is Professor Blastoff??professor-blastoff-poster

    Professor Blastoffis a podcast/my gateway to dreamland. Not because it’s boring!Shut your pretty mouth.But because these three comedians lull me me to sleep with their soothing silliness.How can silliness be soothing??Just listen to itand quit judging me.

    Speaking of professors, a(n) (assistant) professor(Alicia Erian)at Northeastern University (Department of English and Tomfoolery) took such a shine to Zeichen Press that she is our new (virtual) intern! Responsibilities include (but aren’t limited to): Telling me how awesome I am.

    She didn’t love this next card butIstill loveher.marriage-is-2

  • Best Greeting Cards

    So saysMinnesota Monthly.

    And my mom.

    Jen and I went to theBest Of 2013partyand dazzled the crowd with ourDouble Dream Hands routine.

    Best Greeting Cards?

    More like, Best Moves.

  • Brain-Slaves

    His conscience was clear and his heart light amidst all his troubles; so he went peaceably to bed, left all his cares to Heaven, and soon fell asleep.In the morning after he had said his prayers, he sat himself down to his work; when, to his great wonder, there stood the shoes all ready made, upon the table.elvesshoemaker-crane1886Elves!

    (Sorry about the spoiler if you haven’t read that Fairy Tale.)

    I went to a neurologist and he discovered elves in my occipital lobe and that explains everything!brain-with-elves-grabEvery night, I go peaceably to bed, leave all my cares to Heaven, and soon fall asleep but not before I aggressively ruminate on an idea for a new card. While I sleep, the elves get to work and when I wake up, the new card is done!

    Thank the elves for this new card:that-was-the-best-nap-everTHANK THEM.

  • A Dream, Realized AND So Much More

    Everyone knows that St. Helena has The Best Fall Festival, this side of the Mississippi.

    I did hear that Nativity in St. Paul has a snake pit and a freak-show…

    But Saint Helena has rides and games and prizes prizes like t-shirts that Jen and I made for the Duck Shoot!lucky ducky pinkand redYeehaw!!

    Give a kid a cork gun, step back (STEP BACK), and watch the magic!duck shootJen is DUCKing.

  • Safe To Molt Now

    Has Science gone too far?

    Days and nights blurred as the scientist toiled alone well, not exactly alone his companions (experiments) lived in a collection of cages. His laboratory (pronounced:lah-boooar-atory) was nestled between the Russkoe Slovo Bookshop and the hydro-electric plant in Krasnoyarsk.

    His mission?

    To create super-species. Behold his first success… and his new friend:monkey-kitten-photo-2Well, congratulations Doctor Hvorostovsky!

    And now on to my creations:

    (not nearly as controversial)i-bike-bluesometimes-i-cry

  • Being Eaten By Monsters Is Not So Funny

    My older brothers had a bunk bed, my little brother had his own bed and my sister and I shared a queen-sized bed.

    We also shared countless hours of strange bedtime rituals: she would put on her school uniform (white blouse and brown plaid jumper) and pull her nightgown over it that was for early morning efficiency… I would skip the uniform step and go right to the nightgown.

    I was so slow!

    She would coat her arms in Elmer’s Glue,

    elmers-glue

    I would dress and redress Raggedy Ann.

    I don’t know if she shared my fear of the monster under the bed.

    No, what am I saying?She did not. In fact, she created the fear!

    Siblings can be so cruel.monster-under-the-bed

  • Meat Suits And Building A Fan Base

    For Immediate Release:In an attempt to build the Zeichen Press Fan Base, Jen Shea and Fran Shea willappear on a local cable-access show locked in a cell and covered in Fancy Feast. 1,000 cats will be released into the cell through a small hatch. Fran and Jen will sing a medley of famous duets, includingIslands In the Stream,Endless Love, andYou Don’t Bring Me Flowers.

    ###being-a-sheep-2

  • Understanding Your Target Demographic

    Hello.

    My name isPevenshire Wiffynutsand I’m here today to talk about targeting your demographic. Whether you are marketing adult diapers, cowboy hats, or cemetery plots, it is critical that you understand your audience. That may mean that you have to poop in your pants, herd cows, or bury a loved one.

    Don’t be afraid to do these things they will help you effectively move product and change lives.

    Wow! Thanks, Pevenshire.

    I hear what you’re saying I ripped off my mom-mask to reveal the face of an eight-year-old-boy so I could create this birthday card:you-look-like-a-monkey

  • Hands-Free Forever

    It was time forThe Sign Of Peace,and as all members of the congregation turned to offer their hand for a firm shaking, I slowly let my sleeve swallowmyhand.

    With a forlorn look and one missing hand, I imagined the gasps of concern for my deformity. I turned to the family in the pew behind me they would wonder if I was born crippled or if my hand had been lost in a bloody accident. I was eager to extend my handless arm, my face already prepared and appropriately pitiful.

    Oh, but why do parents have to crush their children’s fantasies?

    And here’s another story about hands:

    I took woodshop in highschool.

    I did.I was the only girl. The room was filled with dangerous power-tools and I secretly hoped for the “automatic A” decribed by the teacher:”If a student is dumb enough to sever a finger or an entire hand, they will receive an automatic A.”

    Unfortunately, I successfully made a box:wooden boxhow-am-i-supposed-to-textSpeaking of hands, here’s a new card:

  • Cuttlefish Tentacles And Giraffe Heads

    Why hide your abnormality under a dingy flannel sack? Love suffers enough in this disposable culture and I will not be a lemming I will stand up for the odd, the fractured, the misfit, the offbeat, the freaks. I will stand up and say,I embrace the grotesque!

    As long as they don’t smell like urine.

    I can handle just about any disfigurement emotional or physical that sits next to me on the bus, but my achilles heel in my mad-dash for sainthood, is my keen sense of smell.

    Damn my olfactory perception.

    I don’t think John Merrickelephant-man

    smelled like urine, so we would probably have been great friends.

    I made two new cards that celebrate this subject. Feel free to give them to the person in your life that needs to know they’re special.

    If you have someone in your life that smells like urine, they would probably appreciate this card very much.

    Congratulations, future St. Blankblank.he-loved-everything-abot-hershe-loved-everything-about-him