Category: True Story

  • Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

    Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure.She longed for danger.

    Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony.balcony-4504Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

    judy-tailThat’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me,“degloved.”We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

    Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.judy-gets-a-bathMeow!

    Poor Judy, only six lives left.Use them wisely.

    Judy happens to be my mother’s nameand sothis is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:escaped-from-prisonAnd just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:work-it-dad

  • Merry Franmas!!

    I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

    But I’m lying.

    The truth is, I need the following items:pacman-tv-tray

    Using Ouija Board --- Image by  Bettmann/CORBIS

    sony-walkman

    Wait, I needed them in 1984.Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

    Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

    ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

    Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

    PS: Thanks mom, for life!

    PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.omgur4t

  • Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

    No.

    Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobsare different.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

    How?

    Cash Mobsare a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawingorquartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.shop-local-tag-image

    Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept?I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home.

    i like youis next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

    Just step over the girls.

    sarah-angela-on-the-grass-2

  • Belated Easter Cards

    Something (the cat mistaking my bathroom floor for her litter box) woke me up this morning and although I completely resented being awake, I wrote three cards.

    Here they are.

    Don’t send me hate mail.new-lasershe-knew-that-easternobody-celebrates-2

  • Duck Was Here

    I was getting dressed… brushing my teeth… pulling my hair into a ponytail… looking for my wallet… looking for my keys… feeding the dog… All the while, I heard many, many ducks flying overhead.

    QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK

    I thought,“Wow… there must be like a hundred ducks… they sure quack a lot…”

    I walked outside.

    There was just one duck.

    On my roof.duck-was-herewhat-the-duck

  • For Cheese and For My Country

    Oscar Litterer lived in my house and he loved his ham radio. He loved it so much, he built a secret radio room under the stairs. I imagine he sat there night after night broadcasting his message to the moon and back. He was not alone others really did share his passion for frequency modulation but not in his own home. In his own home, his wife tended the peonies and their only son was devoted to the project of digging the hole in the driveway.

    What a lonely life for Oscar!

    When someone has a passion for something, they shouldn’t hide under the basement steps. They should open a shop and hire Zeichen Press to design t-shirts.theirs-was-a-tough-act-to-follow-kernedpowers-for-good-with-sheep_0

  • Plan F

    F for Fran. Plan Fran…

    Ready? OK!

    F-R-A-N… That spells, Fran! Yayyyy!aboveaverageThat’s how I start every morning. A rousing cheer, followed by ashot of micro-nutrients and a cup of coffee.Rituals are so important.

    On this particular morning, I heard my favorite sound in the world right after the cry of a newborn baby and right before the death-rattle of my enemies the fax machine.Beep-beep-boop-beep-bip-bope-bop………..whirrrrrrrrrrr

    ‘Twas our first order from that paper super-power,Paper Source! I grabbed the fax, my coffee and laptop, and headed to the warehouse. I set all three things down in front of me,sat myself down, faced all squarely and said aloud, “Oh, this is nice.”

    And to celebrate, I knocked over my coffee cup, spilling its contents all over the fax and into my open laptop.

    Luckily, the dog ran in, lapped up the spilled coffee and pooped on the floor.

    When is Jen coming home?

  • Found My Way Downstairs And Drank A Cup

    With Jen gone, I wander about bumping into doorways and stepping in dog poop. I think I can write off glasses and shoes as a business expense so I’m not so concerned about the money. Iamconcerned by my ever-growing obsession with taking photographs of everything I see.

    Help.

    Me.

    tree-fungi dylan-march-2012 fran-dress-pose lucy-edmund-my-bed red-outhouse lucy-turban lucy-sad-mermaid lucy-glasses-wig there-are-no-words-lead-type

  • A Dog’s To-Do List -AND- Other Important Things

    One year, theEaster Bunnyput a tiny white bunny in our Easter basket. I was sure it was meant for me and not for the other kids that shared my home and parents. An outdoor cage was built and the bunny lived in it until and my memory gets fuzzy at this point the bunny went to live with the Easter Bunny again? Yes, I think that’s what happened.

    I don’t remember how I got it, but I also had a durable green parakeet. I usually forgot to clean her cage and the droppings rose like stalagmites from the newspaper-covered floor.stalagmite

    We never had a dog, although my grandparent’s dog tried to make me his wife. That was pretty traumatizing.

    Last weekend, I was surrounded by six small dogs. I loved it so much, I made a new card:dog-to-do-listOh,AND the Important Thing?We got cards intoPaper Source. It’s about time you noticed us, you big lug. (Paper Source has 63 shops around the country. Thats 63 x something x $ = $$$$)

  • CRIKEY

    At my ballroom dancing school, I was a hesitant, awkward girl. I wore glasses and oversized t-shirts.fran

    My papa, and my entire Spanish gypsy family, were skilled in the ways of dance but it was hard for me to incorporate my roots into ballroom dancing.

    How did I do it?As luck would have it, the handsome star of our dance school agreed to start practicing with me. Pretty soon he was wearing a matador jacket and I didn’t even need my glasses.

    Speaking of Australia!Zeichen Press just got anAustralian distributor!god-help-those-people-globe