• The Perfect Time

    Thanks to buzzfeed quizzes, examining my conscience is so much easier. And shouldn’t we all ask ourselves those tough questions this time of year? ”If I were a pizza, what kind would I be?” Or, “Do I prefer Miley Cyrus from her Hanna Montana days or on a Wrecking Ball?” 

    But what is a life if it’s not examined? Not picked apart? Not squeezed like an engorged tick in a ziplock baggie?

    tick

    I make cards between all of this productive introspection. Sometimes fictional creatures are harmed. Sometimes, they are spared.*getting oldMerry Christmas Eve-Eve!

    December 23, 2014
  • Out With the Old

    I designed the Tanek website some dog years ago — it’s time for something fresh and tasty.

    Landing page = done.tanek. index page.harvestor grabMore to come…

    December 22, 2014
  • Christmas Future

    My agent wants a second book, he assures me that he’ll sell this one. He better, because I bought a $95 rug from Target. We’re not all fancy New Yorkers, Peter. WE’RE NOT.

    So, it looks like this Winter will look just like last Winter… Except, I had the kids drag the trunk down from the attic for a coffee table.Dinah drinks from a glassOh, the cats? Never mind those. This place is crawling with them.christmas tree 2014*BETTER DAYS AHEADFine, here’s this year’s Christmas tree.

    December 12, 2014
  • Tomorrow’s Forecast: 100% Chance of Shopping

    Where can a person do all of their Christmas (AND CHANUKAH) shopping??

    Amazon? 

    Shut your mouth.

    Let me be more specific. LET ME.

    Where can a person do all of their Christmas (AND CHANUKAH) shopping for amazing hand-made gifts while laughing with friends and/or family, eating ethnically diverse foods, AND SEE FRAN AND JEN??

    THE NO COAST CRAFT-O-RAMA!!no coast banner 2014
    Omg… that’s TOMORROW! Oh, THAT’S what Jen has been talking about! And THAT’S what these boxes are for!boxes for no coast 2014

    more boxes for no coast show 2014See you there!

    XO!

    December 4, 2014
  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING

    Much to be thankful for this year… Jen and I have FOUR working lungs, DreamWorks Studios loves us, AND (fingers crossed) Tib is pregnant again. Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.jen and fran

    November 27, 2014
  • Big Dreams

    Last night, I dreamt I took a day trip to Manitoba. Just an afternoon of pool-swimming at an area motel. I came home and bragged to everyone, “I went to Manitohhhba today.”manitobaTwo observations:

    1) No wall-less public toilet in this dream?? That’s right. Who’s in charge now, Dreams??

    2) My dreams have finally taken me to Canada…

    AND ANOTHER THING: Winter came completely out of nowhere this year. One week it was 71°, and the next week, I had to break out the Smartwool. “Oh, Minnesota! You are so crazy! Potholes and moquitoes and icehouses!”

    Shut up.she was SO picking truth next time.

    November 25, 2014
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  • Gratitude For Summer Intern Expressed Through Semaphore (Etc.)

    I wrapped myself in bacon yesterday for a phone interview with Mpls. St. Paul magazine.

    I was, I’m sure, delicious.

    She wanted to talk about the new book but I wanted to talk about the last episode of Long Island Medium.

    long island medium

    She said she was too “busy” to talk about what I wanted to talk about. What? Too busy to care??

    Moving on:

    Zeichen Press found a new intern and she already promised to fold my laundry. I’ll give her this new card as soon as she puts my clothes away:merdankcias.blue

    June 4, 2013
  • This Blog Post Would Be Better If It Was Wrapped In Bacon

    I live on a farm so I can swim through my gold coin-filled silos like Uncle Scrooge McDuck. My latest money-making scheme is sure to fill its very own silo: A downloadable collection of our cards turned cartoons!cover-image could-be-worse

    I’ve requested that royalties be paid in gold doubloons.

    Download yours today!

    May 26, 2013
  • Hey, You Got Your Nature In My Peanut Butter

    Clip-clop-clip-clop… I watched her gracefully stroll down 28th Street. She, a 125 pound White Tailed Deer, came towards me on the sidewalk. Her head turned left and right, taking in the scenery like a tourist. I sat as still as a frightened rabbit, hoping she would mistake me for something non-threatening. The air was perfectly calm and the smoke from my cigarette rose straight into the sky. Oh, but she noticed me! We were locked in a staring contest for what felt like forever, and then she bounced away. Faster than I knew a deer could run, she bounded across Hennepin Avenue.old-apartment-google-mapsAnd a bear wandered up to a strip mall last week in Cottage Grove. I felt it should be commemorated.missing-bear-yellow

    May 20, 2013
  • Please Like This

    It’s time to free ourselves from the shackles of this social networking monster.

    We are ignorant prisoners, dragging our metal cups across the bars while our warden stuffs his fat face with naturally-cased wieners.

    We are school children, wandering like Wii avatars, waiting for the bell to ring only to be called in to diagram sentences.wii avatars

    We are the Israelites crushed by our taskmasters, waiting for the supernatural smiting of the Egyptians.

    Rise up, people. Stop rowing the slave ship. The candy tasted so good before we got in the van, but now we must be deprogrammed. Make no mistake about it — this is some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Oh, the candy… so sweet, so forbidden, so Turkish-Delighty.

    Damn you, Facebook!

    I’ve flushed my precious time down the toilet. Time I’ll never get back. Just like the year I got hooked on Party of Five – those orphaned Salingers led by their gorgeous brother/carpenter, Matthew Fox…

    Oh, but it’s done now. No point in looking back. Friend requests, status updates, profile pictures — word combinations unwittingly added to the English lexicon!

    I’ve got a word for you: insidious.

    Never has there been such a tool, such a divisive tool. It wears a party hat and mixes the strongest drinks, watching the party-goers behave like jackasses. Why?

    Ask son-of-a-dentist/billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg. Mr. Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment during the writing of this, and it’s no wonder. He’s in Palo Alto, counting his drug money. I’m booking a flight to Palo Alto and am either going to personally punch him in the face or flatter him until he hires me as his “personal secretary.” The second scenario is obviously more lucrative. The point is, I will no longer be in this creepy symbiotic relationship.

    I will be free. (cue the MLK footage)wasnt affirmed on facebook

    May 11, 2013
  • Living Near the Edge-ish

    Print shops are full of danger.

    Hands mangled, digits lost, clothes torn right off of bodies… (I better fact-check that last one).

    Zeichen Press is no exception.

    Behold:spider-and-typeLook if you must. Sometimes it is better to face the painful, it desensitizes the mind.

    That’s good, right?

    Because I am so committed to my craft, I (by “I”, I mean “my son”) squished the spider, and finished laying out this card:let-us-not-dwell-2Mother’s Day is coming up but you don’t have to get your mom a card.silly-old-day

    May 3, 2013
  • Ever-Expanding Empire

    Three new rep groups this Spring.

    THREE.

    These new (lucky) states are: Virginia, West Virginia, Idaho, Montana, Alaska, and New Mexico. Each rep gets a box of goodies, packed by Jen:rep-decks

    I bet that’s a lot of work.

    I wish I could help but I’m too busy watching Pam watch kittens on televison while I lay in bed.

    I DID write/design some new cards — I’ve heard that laughing is as good for your body as eating so I plan to airdrop some new cards to the starving people in the world.

    I’m sure they’ll be grateful. must-lower-expectationsmy-dad-awesome put-you-in-a-nursing-homerevised-vert-devoured-by-wolveslionel-richie-brought-them-together

    April 26, 2013
  • Safe To Molt Now

    Has Science gone too far?

    Days and nights blurred as the scientist toiled alone — well, not exactly alone — his companions (experiments) lived in a collection of cages. His laboratory (pronounced: lah-boooar-atory) was nestled between the Russkoe Slovo Bookshop and the hydro-electric plant in Krasnoyarsk. 

    His mission?

    To create super-species. Behold his first success… and his new friend:monkey-kitten-photo-2Well, congratulations Doctor Hvorostovsky!

    And now on to my creations:

    (not nearly as controversial)i-bike-bluesometimes-i-cry

    April 25, 2013
  • Such Strong Language

    But how can I be tame when I am thrust into such an atmosphere? weatherI have only one thing to say:

    curse-this-curse-vert

    April 23, 2013
  • Purgatorio di Pesce

    That sounds delicious!

    If Spring would come I wouldn’t be forced to sit here and email sell sheets to hundreds of newspapers around the country. wrapped-in-bacon-sell-sheetI won’t complain about the weather because that’s about as interesting as listening to someone list their health problems. But I WILL say this:

    If I lived in Hawaii, there’d be no Zeichen Press.

    See, I can always find the blessing in disguise.a-blessing-in-disguise-blueOh fine, here’s a new card — inspired by the endless Winter:purgatory-red

    April 21, 2013
  • Always Winter but never Christmas (or Spring)

    The woman gazes through her window. A window covered in dog-drool, a window with a view of only one season: Winter. She stares, slack-jawed, at the slow parade of life.twilight-zone-logo

    There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area we call the Twilight Zone.

    SERIOUSLY?!?letting-go-rose

    April 17, 2013
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