Zeichen Press – Page 23 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Life is really going to change

No more casual afternoons at Starbucks. No more sidewalk cafes. No more days at the park with the kids. No more walking down the sidewalk with a kid on my shoulders while sipping a Starbucks Latte while going to the sidewalk cafe from the�park.

Not any more. Because we’re celebrities. I know, I know – don’t worry – I’ll still make me-time.

If you are living in a well, you might not have heard that Zeichen Press was proclaimed Best of Show by -my new favorite- magazine:�Do It Yourself�

With the magazine in her hands and a cart full of groceries, Jen called me. She called me over the loudspeaker. I was in the frozen foods section and she ordered me to get myself to Lane 7. I did as I was told and Thank God because Jen was being dragged away by security – I got there in the nick of time, explaining that we were on a “living on your own” outing and I’d be taking her right back to the group home as soon as we bagged her groceries.

Phew!

Okay, here’s a sneak peak into the magazine – go and get your very own copy and don’t forget to buy some of our�goddamn holiday cards.

October 16, 2009
Will I win the Nobel Peace Prize?

Maybe. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t broker peace between nations. I’m no Dalai Lama. I’m no Barack Obama. I’m just kidding about that second one �- �I just wanted something to rhyme with Dalai Lama.�Wait, what? Barack Obama really did win the Nobel Peace Prize? Oops. My bad.�It’s hard, toiling away, day after day – trying to make this crazy planet just a little bit cheerier.�Ghandi knows how I feel.

Alfred “Alfie” Nobel

What would Fran do?

���

�ANYWAY. I wrote some new cards. Perhaps, one day, they will bring peace to war-torn countries…

��

PSST, is this my birthday party or my funeral

��

The gifts don’t count � � � themselves.

��

The strong would survive the winter. The weak would, of course, be eaten.

��

I’m Christmas Stalking you.

��

The Christmas concert would be her chance for revenge.

��

I’ll celebrate Christmas however I damn well please.

��

I hope she likes thoughts that count.

��

Thank you for your support.

��

Great. My parents just got home.

��

October 15, 2009
Wishes DO come true!

It’s no secret that I have always wanted 300 feet of bubble wrap.

Somebody (Jen) had it delivered to our headquarters – it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen on my doorstep. Although… the Sunday paper is nice to see when I open the door…or girl scouts selling cookies. Hmm, one of my stalkers once left a skinned, boiled squirrel on my doorstep… that was strange – and I still don’t get the �message – was it: “Love me back, or I’ll boil and skin you” or was it “I am capable of providing small game for your meals.”

Oh, I guess I’ll never know.

October 7, 2009
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Done.

Do not worry. IF you can’t get your�sad�self to the Room and Board nearest you, you can shop�online!

�It’s true. But not yet. NOT YET. The ink isn’t even dry.

Did I mention that I will be the lunchmeat between the bread named�Jackson Pollock�and�Andy Warhol?�What a strange, virtual sandwich. Speaking of sandwiches: I decided to take a break from printing to do some printing and I made this:

October 5, 2009
Freak Show

There were two parts to the Freak Show – two tents – one contained The Fat Lady and the other was filled with the usual freakish-fare. I didn’t really want to pay to see the Fat Lady so I poked my head under the tent – it seemed silly to�pay�to see a fat lady but this was before the days of google searches and voyeuristic television masquerading as health and human interest stories. Before the days of shows actually called,�World’s Fattest Woman.

So I poked my head under the tent. A pit had been dug in the dirt in the center of the tent – she, all 600 pounds of her, sat in the pit in a�teeny weeny bikini.�The paying public stared and stared while she thumbed through the pages of a paperback.

The other tent promised a variety of oddities and I handed my tickets to the dusty man guarding the flap-door. In this tent there was a stage and on the stage there was a sign and on the sign were the words, “World’s Fattest Man”

The crowd – and I was in the crowd now – stared at the sign and waited for the man. He hobbled out using two canes – those canes that have the four baby canes on the bottom. He reached the center of the stage and lowered himself into a reinforced chair, spoke to the crowd about his thyroid disorder, and asked if we wanted to see him attach a bucket of bolts to his tongue.

Ugh. I wanted my tickets back.

Why can’t things be the way they’re supposed to be? And why can’t freaks just enjoy their exploitation? If I were a freak (if)�I’d love it. I’d use my freakish power for the good of mankind.

I’d love to have one super long arm. A Super Arm. I could take seemingly candid pictures of myself�even more easily!

Do you see that?

It’s like someone else is taking the picture.�But what a struggle!�

If I had Super Arm my whole life would change!

September 28, 2009
Cary Grant’s Tie, A Pile of Rocks, Dandelions

Cary Grant’s tie is the perfect shade of gray.

It’s not like I’m obsessed with shades of gray because of�this project I’m working on. I don’t get obsessed. I wasn’t obsessed with pulling out (and counting) all of the dandelions in my front yard (689). I wasn’t. I also wasn’t obsessed with collecting and transporting rocks halfway across the country to surround my little tree.

I’m not obsessed with�letterpress.

And I don’t just sit around waiting for the sun to be in the perfect spot.

Doesn’t this gray look just like Cary Grant’s tie? :

WELL?! It does, doesn’t it. Won’t it look lovely decking the halls of Room and Board?

Sigh.

1/3 of the project done.

September 27, 2009

Man vs. Himself

I was once one of them � an innocent amusement park customer. I looked down at them now, from the highest man-made point in Shakopee, Minnesota.�I sighed and listened to the�chug-chug-chugging�from beneath our coaster � our lives depended on the integrity of a giant bicycle chain.�Our open-casket hesitated for just a moment at the tippy-top of the steel summit � hesitated just enough for me to grasp the inevitable free-fall.�And as we plummeted to our possible deaths, I screamed.

And wet my pants.

The End

How old was she?

Don’t judge me.

Obviously,�I wasn’t born riding a roller coaster,�I was born screaming. And wetting my pants.

*Hint: this photograph was taken close to the time of the event and **Double Hint: I’m not the baby.Speaking of literary themes, there is a lot (not really) to dissect in this new (Holiday/Winter Season?) card:

November 24, 2012
Countdown To Countdown

The newspaper is delivered to our doorstep each morning (by horse and buggy) and I comb through it � if I find a particularly odd/sad/absurd story, I read it aloud to whomever (the dog) is nearby.

Here is an abbreviated digest of the only (two) articles I remember from the past (two) months:�(In alphabetical order)

1) Stratosphere jump by daredevil, Felix Baumgartner:�In an attempt to break the world record, Felix jumped from a capsule suspended 23 miles above Roswell, New Mexico.

I plan on breaking�that�record when I get tired of this whole letterpress thing.

2) Talking elephant in South Korea loves Zeichen Press.�Strange but true.

Crazy?! I know! Koshik’s trainer must $*#%-love Zeichen Press.

Enough time-wasting.

Here is a new Christmas card (available�NEXT�Christmas. Sorry).

November 17, 2012
Winter Preview

The Winter Walk Home from school included two memorable rituals: Dipping our un-mittened hands in 25� Tom Thumb coffee�(how old IS she?)�and passing by a very high retaining wall.

The wall held up the yard of our enemies: Two freckle-faced, red-headed brothers. These boys went to a�Public School�and as if that isn’t bad enough, they took great pleasure in tormenting me.

I will remind you that�this�is what I looked like:

Why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?

Armed with boulders of snow, poised-and-ready atop the wall � they would wait. Down Vincent Avenue I trudged: snow-pants under my plaid skirt, grease-covered hand-me-down coat, knit cap with sheepskin earflaps.

Again, why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?

I won’t tell you the ending.

We had a dusting of snow the other day but I knew better than to break out the snow-pants and knit cap. It was merely a teaser, a preview, an appetizer, an AMUSE-GUEULE.

Speaking of snow,�here’s a new card:�

November 14, 2012
Winternship� & Skin Suits

Zeichen Press has never had a Wintertime Intern.

Until now.

I expect the new “intern” to make me laugh.�It’s an important job.�She also claims she will sort type and organize cards but we’ll see. WE’LL SEE.

In other news:�I made ANOTHER�Thinking Of You�card. I thought and thought about what sort of message I’d like to receive if I were down-in-the-dumps, and I came up with this:My sister wanted me to show�The-Softer-Side-Of-Fran, but all I could think of was Marshmallow Fluff� and then I just wanted to sit on the beach and pull hermit crabs out of their shells.

What is wrong with me?

November 8, 2012
Snail Mail : Our Bread & Butter

There has been an ethical debate raging regarding snail shell art. Some feel that humans have the right to decorate the shells of�living snails.

Where do I stand?�The following new birthday card reveals my feelings on this sensitive subject:Please respect my freedom of speech.

Speaking of�freedom: Come down to�Foiled Again�on Saturday night for some�free�wine. While you’re there, you could buy some of our cards!

Two birds! One stone!

November 1, 2012
Insomnia and the Woolly Mammoth

I can’t wait until scientists clone the Woolly Mammoth.

Some might call it reckless curiosity, I call it Vegas-style science. Implanting salvaged Woolly Mammoth nuclei into an unsuspecting Asian Elephant sounds safe to me ��what could happen?�

Meanwhile,�I lay awake�and�imagine receiving (or not receiving) a baby Woolly Mammoth as a gift.�

October 27, 2012
I’ve Never Been To Paris

But I�did�take French in high school so I know all about magnetephones, l’autobus, et la lunettes pour Luc.

For the foreseeable future, I will stay within a 30 mile radius of the Zeichen Press headquarters and dream of faraway lands.Feeling the need for a Field Trip, I went to the Other Side Of Minneapolis and visited�Rex Mills. I walked through the front door, broke the tenth commandment,�(You shall not covet�- geez, get your mind out of the gutter)�pretended I had something in my eye, snapped some photos, threw a drink in the owner’s face, stole five pounds of ink, and left.That man in the photograph is not the owner � Rex Mills has�Press Operators.

I will kidnap him as soon as my taser gun arrives in the mail.

October 21, 2012
But Wait, There’s More!

Bears have it best � fattening up and slipping into their Wintertime coma. I sit here, like a fool, planning my Wintertime Wardrobe � if I never had to shower, I would wear my neck to ankle long-underwear uninterrupted.

I have Faith that Winter will eventually turn to Spring.

In Spring, I will tear off my layers of long-underwear. I will bury my Smartwool in the backyard. I will shun my calf-length coat like an old boyfriend.�(I can’t believe I was with YOU!!)

In Spring, kids graduate from educational institutions. And because I am a Giver, I give you these:�New graduation cards.�Don’t be like, “Why are you thinking about graduation in October?”

Just accept the greeting card calendar. ACCEPT IT.

October 15, 2012
MakeReady-Or-Not

How To Play:

Witch

��Using a neighborhood approved selection method (engine, engine #9 � bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, etc.) select�The Witch.

��Use the same method to select a�Guinea Pig.

��The remaining players are�Runners.

� The Witch�leads The Guinea Pig�away. (This should be terrifying.) The Witch hides�The Guinea Pig��not on the garage roof. (This might be tempting. Don’t do it.)

� The Witch�gives (verbally) a list of tasks to�The Guinea Pig ��things like:�A)�Run around the house three times singing�The Happy Birthday Song.�B)�Dig a hole, bury one June Bug in it.�C)�Fill a hat with decorative rocks from the neighbor’s garden, etc.

��At this point,�The Witch�must call out “ready-or-not!” from wherever he/she is waiting/hiding.

��The “tasks” given to the�The Guinea Pig�are meant to lure the�Runners�off their safe-base and into the waiting/hiding clutches of�The Witch�while searching for the hidden�Guinea Pig.

��When/if any�Runners�are caught by�The Witch,�he or she�turns them into�Another Guinea Pig.�Meaning: They are hidden and given a�new�list of tasks for�The Runners�to complete.

��When tasks are completed for a particular�Pig,�a�Runner�must free them by tagging.�The Guinea Pig�must run to the safe-base without being caught by�The Witch.

��If�The Runners�successfully�free�The Guinea Pig(s),�they win the game.

� If�The Witch�catches all of�The Runners, she/he wins the game.

* If someone wets their pants during course of play, a “time-out” should be called and fresh pants should replace wet pants.

————-

In a bold (not really) and unprecedented (true) move, Zeichen Press will be offereing box sets of greeting cards that are�not�letterpress printed.

Hold your applause until the end.

We call this our�Makeready Collection.

Why?

Letterpress printers (like us) need to test placement, packing, and color when printing something new. The same old piece of paper is printed on over and over again, resulting in an odd (and might I add, paranormal?) mishmash of goodness.

Our�Makeready Collection�imitates this letterpress printing practice using a computer and�some other kind of printing. (Offset)

Here are the three designs: (Available for The New Year)

October 13, 2012
Your Marriage vs. The Zombie Apocalypse

I’m not a lawyer or a scientist but I understand the importance of writing marital vows that contain language relating to soulless corpses.

I know it’s not�Zombie Season�because the weather is cooler and I know the weather is cooler because the maggots in the garbage bin magically disappeared. The rash of zombie activity this Summer has inspired me to rewrite my vows � I simply cannot have my husband strip naked and eat my face on the turnpike.

Give this card to newlyweds or oldyweds:

October 7, 2012