• The Big Picture

    This is the face of a girl who got a globe for Christmas the year before. A girl determined to prove to everyone how much she needed; NAY, deserved the Lite-Brite. fran-lite-brite

    Santa would never make that mistake again. 

    This determination guided the girl for a lifetime, nothing would stand between her and her singleminded fixations. Fran etch a sketch

    NOTHING.

    fran-covered-in-kittens

    One of the latest obstacles were some pesky illustrated creatures 45510_frog_concertwho needed to be removed so one frog could fulfill his God-given right to sing Wayne Newton.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRPILZS1hc8

    And sing he did. 

    darling-danke-schon

    Yours for only $4.50! (SOON.)

    darling-frog

    October 21, 2016
  • Slightly Different

    Usually bragging is reserved for Facebook, family newsletters, and prison cells. But showering has made me feel fancy and solitary confinement has made me such a blabbermouth!
    SO behold our new bathroom:bathroom-newMillie wanted to show off the bathroom but she isn’t tall enough to open the backdoor.squirrel-millie-wordsToo bad we re-screened that door!

    Did that squirrel even know he/she was the color of my new grout?? I’m kidding! I’m sure he/she did!

    Speaking of Dove Gray™ grout, (WERE WE??) I made a new card. Intern #1 said it was Mom Humor. I told her to go to her room.an-elephant-never-forgets

    October 11, 2016
  • Copy. Paste. Repeat. Copy. Paste. Repeat. Copy. Paste. Repeat. Copy. Paste. Repeat.

    Have I mentioned how much Millie The Dog one-dog-named-milliebarks at anything and everything within a 500 foot perimeter of our house? Mailman, delivery-person, solicitors, neighbors, guests, the kids, trick-or-treaters, my mom… We’ve talked a lot about it and she feels super responsible for alerting us – I told her that we really don’t need that kind of help, BUT WE DID. SHE WAS RIGHT. SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT.

    SO, my driveway was full of a dumpster filled with bathroom remodel debris, Millie was having a staycation with a friend, AND SOME JERK CLIPPED THE LOCK ON OUR SHED AND STOLE MY BIKE.cut-lockAnd he threw the lock in the dirt like some sort of criminal.

    AND THEN, the loser (no judgment) tried to sell MY bike on a site called OfferUp.com.img_3265

    But he is as slippery as an eel wrapped in a banana peel, and disappeared INTO THE NIGHT. Police have been alerted, prayers to St. Anthony have been said. I asked St. Anthony if he could forward my prayers onto the Patron Saint of Stolen Goods and he told me to go back to sleep and stop Googling escutcheons for the new bathroom.

    FINE.

    While I wait for my miracle, I spend days mindlessly migrating ALL of the content from the Zeichen Press site to THE NEW Zeichen Press site. DON’T WORRY, you won’t even be able to tell the difference because we wanted to spend a lot of money on something that nobody notices.

    OH, and Jen got some new/old cutslittle-man-in-cutsso I made a Father’s Day Card out of that little man.go-to-bedBACK TO MIGRATING/WEEPING.

    September 22, 2016
  • Hygiene Tester

    I did the math and figured out that two toilets MINUS one toilet EQUALS one toilet. And one shower MINUS one shower EQUALS zero showers.

    I desperately yelled that equation to the boys during my bathroom demo, but they pretended not to hear me.boys bathroom demoI only gave birth to them to provide me with free manual labor. Ha! Who’s laughing now, boys??

    Anyway, who needs a shower??Arnie GrapeOR a bath??bathroom mid-project.smallI barely do.

    And as soon as all of my family and friends get back from being out of town for a month, they’ll tell you the same.

    Here’s a new birthday card/fantasy:Happy Bidet

    September 5, 2016
  • Jenmas Eve!

    Everyone celebrates Jenmas Eve differently.*I* like to go to Hot Plate SANS Jen to eat a Mexican Omelet surrounded by a gallery of paint-by-number masterpieces.

    Hot Plate wall

    YEARS AGO, Jen (carefully) slaved away over *her* masterpiece and it sits atop a shelf of knick-knacks in Cape Cod. 

    knick knack shelf cape cod jen made thisShe was so dedicated! 

    I bet she knew that someday I’d repay her in birthday cards.

    dog person crazy cat lady

    August 25, 2016
  • Will Design 4… White Italian Cararra Marble Hexagon Tile

    The Art Licensor (RSVP) asked us for some birthday cards and because I love to work/need money, I made nine. I won’t bore you with the details/need to get back to listening to my new podcast (My Favorite Murder).

    Here are a few… Will they choose any???

    Stay tuned.

    rsvp.2.self medicating rsvp.i buried rsvp.your birthday called rsvp.birthday cake.one piece

    Thank you, Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. I can’t wait until Alexis Stewart and I meet you in person!

    August 16, 2016
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  • Mating Tips

    The only way to find out if you’re truly compatible with another is to spend a year together aboard a Portuguese fishing vessel.

    Unfortunately, that’s not always an option. Don’t spend another minute agonizing!

    Forget the touchy-feely Relationships aisle at Barnes & Noble or (gasp) your local library! Forget the $120/hour couples counselor! Forget mind-reading, unmet expectations, behavior prediction!

    Zeichen Press has created a $4.00 cheat sheet! love-means-green-revisedCollect them all (there’s only one) and store them safely in a polished mahogany box. Tabulated by topics, like: Division-of-Labor, Apology, and so much more!

    *A Mating Tip Card and a BB gun make the perfect wedding gift.

    October 3, 2012
  • Neglected Category

    My retirement plans are needy and demand an Airstream Trailercropped-airstream-trailer

    and a plot of land in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee — as close as possible to Dollywood.

    That would be fine as cream gravy.

    Yes, retirement — everyone does it differently. Some like to join communities in Arizona and some like to hoard cats. Hoard cats until one day they have a stroke, can’t get to the phone, die of starvation, and their beloved pets eat their face.

    But everyone is so different! And as my Grandma Shea used to say, “It takes all kinds.”

    So wise.retiring

    September 26, 2012
  • A Loon Call For Garrison Keillor And Hat Made of Money

    When I heard Jen was participating in the Loon Call Contest at the Prairie Home Companion Street Party, I said a quick prayer to Saint Genesius.

    I can’t believe she didn’t win. 

    Earlier that day, this angel—dressed in plain clothes—was spotted:money-hat

    If I wore a hat made of money, I’d have a faraway look in my eye, too.

    September 22, 2012
  • Eating My Weight In Vegetables

    Did you know that the Arboretum has a pick-your-own vegetable garden? The signs were more intuitive than posted.smuggling-vegetables

    My latest health craze (the last one turned out not to be a “health” craze) promises an upward trajectory of boundless energy and crisply firing synapses. Kale, spinach, green chard, cucumber, celery, lemon, parsley, and apple in one glass.

    In one glass.

    I’ve learned that a bagful of smuggled kale equals one thimbleful of juice.

    One thimbleful.

    I wonder how many ounces I would be if I were juiced. Note to self: Juicing bodies would make them easier to flush down toilet.

    Look at these beautiful Dahlias and forget everything I just said:anenome-dahliasunburt-dahliaWeren’t those lovely?

    All of the flowers and vegetables inspired a Father’s Day card:papa-grayer

    September 14, 2012
  • Gather Ye Nuts While Ye May

    September is the schizophrenic sibling in the Year Family—one day a beastly 90°, the next day fighting off dinosaurs in the living room. Dust off your crock-pots, it’s time for meat and vegetables to mingle on the countertop for hours. pot-roast-recipeOnce Upon A Time, I got a massage in September. It was from a hobbit—he blessed the vessel that was me and scampered around the table like his footsies were on fire. When it was over, he requested a hug. I consented because I have never hugged a hobbit and I didn’t want to crush his tiny hobbit-heart.

    September 12, 2012
  • Killing Several Birds With Two Seahorses

     I am all about efficiency. It’s one of the (two) things people love about me. If I can’t multi-task my way through a problem, it’s better left to a pre-schooler. I always say.

    Yes, it’s an enviable quality; I can think about any number of things while I work on something else.

    The neighbor that flipped me off called me the other night. She wanted to accuse my kids of egging her car. I told her that I egged her car. She couldn’t hear my confession because she was too busy talking about someone stealing Bounty Paper Towels from her backseat.

    I thought about my conversation with her while I worked on some seahorses in photoshop. Here’s the thing/a little secret: Not every image comes to us as a perfect little mounted printer’s block. printers-blocks

    There are some that need finessing:photoshop-examplesI’m sure you knew that.

    I feel like I have to apologize for the latest card.

    I’m sorry.

    Here it is, sss. (sorry so sappy)i-love-us-seahorses

    September 6, 2012
  • State Fair Inspired Christmas Cards

    Maybe it’s the Grilled Spamwichesspam-dandy

    or the Walking Tacos. Maybe it’s the 4-H Barn, full of homespun country talent.

    chainsaw-board

    Or maybe it’s the Birth Barn.baby-pigsHam!

    Perhaps it is a combination of these magical happenings. This yearly phenomenon fills me with such joy… such eager anticipation! There are visual delights to behold whenever the head is turned!

    It reminds me of The Birth of Our Lord. I bet the shepherds know what I’m talking about.

    Anyway, I shouldn’t question my inspiration.

    Here are two new Christmas cards:new-christmas-spiritgoose-ew-grab

    August 31, 2012
  • Old-School Birthday Card

    It was Jen’s birthday yesterday. She celebrated by cramming her car with kids and driving East for five hours.

    I celebrated by going to my In-Laws to hear some family history —  a combination of Downton Abbey and Angela’s Ashes.

    BUT before these festive events, I gave Jen a card:old-school-greenPerhaps you recognize that man?did_someone_say_partyHis pants are usually radioactive, but not for this card.

    August 27, 2012
  • MERRY (name)MAS!

    Times were simple then — pre-Facebook… cats fixed… no Dance Moms…

    The air was thick with anticipation — it wasn’t fair to keep Zeichen Press hidden from the public.mj-blanket-balcony-wordsIt was time to pry open the (heirloom-quality) tupperware lid. Time to expose the rotting and pungent living carcass to the unblinking eye of its critics.

    The Universe demanded documentation. Who am I to refuse?

    That was four years ago (today).merry-blankmas-2Now, readership of the Zeichen Press blog hovers somewhere between cable-access viewership and meaningful Craigslist encounters.

    Cheers!

    August 25, 2012
  • THINKING OF YOU

    Time alone was rare. But in a pinch, I was forced to conjure up an imaginary playmate. This was a strange exercise and not something I was particularly good at.

    Other children lived in complex and exotic worlds of make-believe — I don’t think the “friends” in their pretend worlds were from Minnesota — with names like Carura Fadida and Anarada Salsa.

    There was a girl who lived in the glossy tile next to the toilet. I spoke with her when there was no soul around.

    Her name was “Fran.”fran-balance-beam

    Rooted in reality, with a strong sense of the superfluousness of an imaginary world. I was, and am, from German stock. Zees duss neecht make senss.

    It must be that toe-hold in reality that permits me to create the following:thinking-of-you-lady-3thinking-of-you-because-thought-dont-violate-restraining

    August 22, 2012
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