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All Apologies
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a single greeting card that could wrap up your feelings of culpability completely? Sometimessayingyour sorry just doesn’t seem like enough. Sure, you couldshowthe offended party your remorse, but that can take up a lot of time (and energy!). I’ve put a sizable amount of thought into this issue and believe I’ve come up with a solution that will satisfy both parties.
I give you, The Apology Card:
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CRIKEY
At my ballroom dancing school, I was a hesitant, awkward girl. I wore glasses and oversized t-shirts.
My papa, and my entire Spanish gypsy family, were skilled in the ways of dance but it was hard for me to incorporate my roots into ballroom dancing.
How did I do it?As luck would have it, the handsome star of our dance school agreed to start practicing with me. Pretty soon he was wearing a matador jacket and I didn’t even need my glasses.
Speaking of Australia!Zeichen Press just got anAustralian distributor!
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Clichs and Slogans
Are non-Western cultures conversations peppered with trite, colloquial sayings?
Like, inKapushi, Zambia (population: 26 people per mile) does one friend say to another(inKaonde)upon receiving news that their baby was trampled by antelope,“Everything happens for a reason”?
These condensed and optimistic phrases are woven into our chats and unless you are a hermit or deaf, we are all guaranteed to hear at least one per day.
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Man Up
Sometimes a man’s manliness must be recognized.Manlyis a term often reserved for a lumberjack, firefighter, or bounty-hunter. A narrow and unfortunate caricature. Why not a goatherd? Or glass-blower? Or gemologist?
Anyman*that strides confidently into their chosen arena (office, field, arcade, classroom, rubber raft, bowling alley, butcher shop, grist mill) andowns itis, in my opinion,a beast.
Give them this small token: (They will grunt, nod, excuse themselves, and go into the bathroom to shed a single tear.)
*Did I make that up?
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I Don’t Understand You
I’m talking about leap day.Don’t even bother trying to explain it to me, I don’t actually care. The important thing is that I milked one more day out of this prudish month.
Zeichen Press would be nothing without self-imposed deadlines (and cake) and our card-release was set for March 1.
It was a real pressure-cooker situation around here and because I don’t have enough intensity in my life, I locked myself in the linen closet and reenacted Apollo 13’s return journey. Just me, my laptop, both cats, and toilet paper tubes. We got home safely, God Bless America.
Anyway, we can thank the ground crew (Kim & Fred) for jury-rigging up product photos:
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Mister Eat All The Things OR Three Acres And A Cow
There once was a Frenchman that could, and would, eat large objects. He ate them bit by bit and was able to digest bicycles, televisions, shopping carts, chandeliers, and even an airplane. This took patience and, reportedly, gallons of mineral oil.
Bit by bit.
This wasn’t some sort of performance art piece he never meant for it to be a metaphor.
But he ate a plane.
Such deliberateness! I like to imagine that he carefully considered each piece as he pried it off and swallowed it.
Mister Eat All The Things(Monsieur Mangetout) could be aninspiring mascot for aneconomic philosophy.
I’ve been told that a printing press in the shop is just as good as three acres and a cow.We’ll see. WE’LL SEE.
Anyway, I made this card for the president ofThe Society of Distributismbecause he has a fancy book signing coming up 150 lucky people will receive the card. Oh, and a signed book.
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Using Big Words
The Epilepsy Foundationneeded a new look for their fleet of trucks andThe Carney Groupcontacted me (via telepathy) to see if my brain was available to think of ideas.I’m not just a brain. Geez.
I rescheduled my ice-pick lobotomy and put on my thinking cap.
What if the trucks were bright red and had big white letters with a line like, THIS TRUCK CONTAINS TWO TONS OF HOPE??
Yes?
Okay.
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American Psychiatric Association Adds Clown Phobia to list of Disorders: Clown Uprising Imminent
Do I have to write the script myself?The script that tells the tale of an experiment gone horribly wrong a pharmaceutical company hot on the heals of developing a drug that ends all pain and suffering forever??
The drug, nicknamed “Bozo” does so well in animal testing… So well, in fact, it is released to the general population of prison inmates.
Death row no longer feels like a death sentence, cold concrete cells feel like a day spa, “relationships” feel special.
Until… The unexpected “side effects” begin to develop… Oh, it’s too sick. Just imagine a zombie movie but replace the zombies with clowns.
Here’s a birthday card:
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When Good Kittens Go Bad
Some kittens are sociopathic everyone knows that. Do not be fooled by their charm! Beneath that furry, purring coat lies a circuit board of complex manipulation.
I’ve heard some successful rehabilitation stories but if you, or someone you know, lives with one of these creatures, it might be better to abandon it on the side of a highway.
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Mawkish
[maw-kish] adjectivesentimental in a feeble or sickly way archaichaving a faint sickly flavor : the mawkish smell of warm beer
I don’t think I understand the definition. Or, maybe I do. Aren’t a lot of greeting cards mawkish?
Who would give that card? Wait, whomadethat card? Probably a very nice person. A person who loves hearts and roses and rhymes and sparkles.
I tried to make a mawkish card.
That’sHugh Beaumont,the kindly father fromLeave it to Beaver.
Hugh hated that he was typecast and later opened a Christmas tree farm in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. I don’t think he opened the Christmas tree farm because he hated that he was typecast. But I don’t know – he was obviously a complicated man.