• Spanking Machine

    A strange custom:

    One child crawls through a tunnel made of other children the crawling child is spanked on the bottom by each participant. The spankers laugh hysterically.

    The concept of automated and industrial scale corporal punishment originated in 19th century Russia.

    It’s true!

    I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that the concept has evolved from judicial whipping of peasants to tunnels of birthday abuse for today’s schoolchildren.

    A good friend of mine turned XX (not Roman numerals) and she has such fond memories of the Spanking Machine!

    I made her a card:small-spanking-layoutsmall-birthday-spankings

    April 24, 2012
  • Yoohoo! Alexis Stewart!

    I’m over here! No… HERE! The one waving her arms and jumping up and down! …The one wearing the poncho and helmet!

    She must not see me.

    alexis-stewart

    Shedidmention Zeichen Presson her blog.Andshe did buy cards from ouronline shop. I thought that meant she wanted to hang out and talk about black bean chili with butternut squash and swiss chard?

    You can totally call me, Alexis!

    April 18, 2012
  • Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

    Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure.She longed for danger.

    Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony.balcony-4504Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

    judy-tailThat’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me,“degloved.”We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

    Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.judy-gets-a-bathMeow!

    Poor Judy, only six lives left.Use them wisely.

    Judy happens to be my mother’s nameand sothis is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:escaped-from-prisonAnd just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:work-it-dad

    April 17, 2012
  • ACTUAL Cards With Real Healing Powers

    Step right up, step right up!

    It’s here, a cure for all that ails! Do you suffer from one (or more) of the following complications?:

    Bumpy skin?
    Webbed toes?
    Nagging wife?

    No? How about?:

    Limp tongue?

    Rotting scalp?

    Too many fingers?

    Fear not!Just one purchaseof a Zeichen Press letterpress greeting card will set you on the proper path to wellness!

    (The following photographs are guaranteed to cure any inflammation:)oldcrab-smaller-forgot-birthdaythanksss-smaller hugh-smaller freaktastic-smaller fatgratitude-smaller facebookbd-smaller chicken-smaller beast-smaller

    April 13, 2012
  • Merry Franmas!!

    I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

    But I’m lying.

    The truth is, I need the following items:pacman-tv-tray

    Using Ouija Board --- Image by  Bettmann/CORBIS

    sony-walkman

    Wait, I needed them in 1984.Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

    Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

    ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

    Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

    PS: Thanks mom, for life!

    PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.omgur4t

    April 12, 2012
  • Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

    No.

    Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobsare different.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

    How?

    Cash Mobsare a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawingorquartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.shop-local-tag-image

    Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept?I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home.

    i like youis next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

    Just step over the girls.

    sarah-angela-on-the-grass-2

    April 12, 2012
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  • Eyes on the Prize (Having Wonkavision)

    TheNew York International Gift Fair(NYIGF) wrapped up (sans blizzard). I wasn’t there (I never am) but it must have been a huge success because our rep is faxing orders to uswonkavision2

    faster than we can pull them.

    Fax machines work just like Wonkavision and every day I hope to find a chocolate bar instead of an order.But for now,I must be satisfied with ink on paper.

    February 6, 2012
  • Perspective, Passive Aggression, and Printing

    I complain about January, but secretly, I love it. In January, my skin returns to its natural pasty-white color. I know this because I disrobe weekly for a quick shower and pat myself down with a damp towel. That’s not true, I also see my bare legs as I change from my pajama pants to my less-pajama-ish pants.

    But enough about my enchanting facade, onto the chewy nougat:

    Jen has almost finished printing the cards for our March Release.new-cards-winter-2012-blogI can’t wait for her to be finished because then we can get back to all of our gabbing.

    While I am forced to sit quietly with my own thoughts, I decided to be productive I made two new cards: Guess which one will become an uncategorized orphan:you-forgot-my-birthdaymauled-to-death

    January 29, 2012
  • Midwinter Night’s Dream

    Jen is printing the new cards for the March release and I have decided to wear the off-brand Forever Lazy suit until April 1.

    The following is a dramatization of me wearing the suit.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P1GEgYk9qM
    January 24, 2012
  • I’m, Like, a Pretty Big Deal

    But I don’t need to tell you that.

    Sometimes it’s hard to stay humble. Luckily, humility is one of my greatest traits. That, and my perfect attitude and face make it difficult for everyone around me to go about their average lives.

    Wait, let me throw down a little manna:when-god-closes-again

    January 16, 2012
  • A Pigeon in My Flashing (and Other Bedtime Stories)

    When Nature and Civilization collide it sounds just like stirring twelve tin cans in the bathtub with a golf club. This sound, combined with another soundthe sound of a pair of teeny-tiny hands strangling a pigeon.

    I laid in bed for 1…2…3…4…5 hours and listened to, what I concluded was, a pigeon trapped behind the flashing on my house.help-me-pigeon

    A squirrel met its maker (Bruce Hornsby) that same way last Summer. But not before it spent several days running itself to death. Was the pigeon luckier? It shivered in the cold until shortly before dawn. Likethe Little Match Girl, it shivered to death, clutching a clawful of burnt matches.

    We have a client that needs graphics for its trucks so while I listened to the pathetic cries of the dying pigeon, I thought about that.

    It was a productive night.

    January 14, 2012
  • OMGUR4T

    A surprise birthday party is 1,000% more fun than a regular birthday party. The planners plan for weeks – sending out secret invitations:becky-invite-w-envelope-10x10

    Unearthing senior photos to print on drink coasters:becky-coaster

    And finally the moment arrives!

    January 9, 2012
  • In January It’s So Nice

    Hello, January. I hate you. Not as much as February, but I still hate you. I tell my children that you are full of fun and possibilities but I am lying.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NOJIYe6qoI

    Perhaps this card captures my true feelings:what-fresh-hell

    January 7, 2012
  • Tribulation Consolation

    Sometimes (not very often)I find myself at a loss for words. Speechless. Struck dumb by powerful emotion.“I’m stunned. I mean, I’m in a state of… somebody should just throw a blanket over me, you know?” – Woody Allen (Manhattan)

    Sometimes an empathy card is better than a sympathy card.

    Sometimes a bear playing violin says it all.there-are-no-words

    January 1, 2012
  • Taking (A Fearless Moral) Inventory

    Jen told me that she is learning to master Quickbooks. I trust her.jen-puzzle

    I bet that the Quickbooks tutorial requires puzzle completion before you really get into the meat of the applicationjust to make sure the user is nimble-minded.

    The New Year is upon us and to celebrate I stood on a chair, my head surrounded by asbestos wrapped pipes, and counted envelopes.fran-counting-inventoryJen said this was calledtaking inventoryand while I am familiar with this as a spiritual concept, with a priest andconfessionalhandy, I was easily distracted because the priest and confessional were replaced by the dog and a bin of Bazooka bubble gum.one-dog-named-milliebazooka-binThese items were not on Jen’s listjen-inventory-listbut I think that was a potentially expensive oversight. Just to be on the safe side, I counted one dog named Millie and 34 pieces of Bazooka.

    You’re welcome, Jen.

    December 31, 2011
  • Fortune Teller, Tell My Fortune

    Winter has been creeping in like a gas leak and I am always pleasantly surprised to find myself awake in the morning.It would not take long for the madness of Winter to descend upon the little house. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.

    “That’s nice.”I say, as I stretch and crawl off my sofa-bed.Never one to miss nuance, I wonder why I’m not in my own bed.

    Good design sometimes requires getting into character – I’ve been dressing like a gypsy (not showering) for our latestTanekproject. A paper fortune teller is easier to mail than a crystal ball and some might argue – more accurate. Tanek will send 300 of these out to their dearest friends – I only hope they take the responsibility of predicting the future seriously:

    fortune-teller-1fortune-teller-5 fortune-teller-2 fortune-teller-3 fortune-teller-4fortune-teller-6

    December 21, 2011
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