I wrapped myself in bacon yesterday for a phone interview with Mpls. St. Paul magazine.
I was, I’m sure, delicious.
She wanted to talk about the new book but I wanted to talk about the last episode of Long Island Medium.
She said she was too “busy” to talk about what I wanted to talk about. What? Too busy to care??
Moving on:
Zeichen Press found a new intern and she already promised to fold my laundry. I’ll give her this new card as soon as she puts my clothes away:
I live on a farm so I can swim through my gold coin-filled silos like Uncle Scrooge McDuck. My latest money-making scheme is sure to fill its very own silo: A downloadable collection of our cards turned cartoons!
I’ve requested that royalties be paid in gold doubloons.
Clip-clop-clip-clop… I watched her gracefully stroll down 28th Street. She, a 125 pound White Tailed Deer, came towards me on the sidewalk. Her head turned left and right, taking in the scenery like a tourist. I sat as still as a frightened rabbit, hoping she would mistake me for something non-threatening. The air was perfectly calm and the smoke from my cigarette rose straight into the sky. Oh, but she noticed me! We were locked in a staring contest for what felt like forever, and then she bounced away. Faster than I knew a deer could run, she bounded across Hennepin Avenue.
And a bear wandered up to a strip mall last week in Cottage Grove. I felt it should be commemorated.
Its time to free ourselves from the shackles of this social networking monster.
We are ignorant prisoners, dragging our metal cups across the bars while our warden stuffs his fat face with naturally-cased wieners.
We are school children, wandering like Wii avatars, waiting for the bell to ring only to be called in to diagram sentences.
We are the Israelites crushed by our taskmasters, waiting for the supernatural smiting of the Egyptians.
Rise up, people. Stop rowing the slave ship. The candy tasted so good before we got in the van, but now we must be deprogrammed. Make no mistake about it this is some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Oh, the candy so sweet, so forbidden, so Turkish-Delighty.
Damn you, Facebook!
Ive flushed my precious time down the toilet. Time Ill never get back. Just like the year I got hooked on Party of Five those orphaned Salingers led by their gorgeous brother/carpenter, Matthew Fox
Oh, but its done now. No point in looking back. Friend requests, status updates, profile pictures word combinations unwittingly added to the English lexicon!
Ive got a word for you: insidious.
Never has there been such a tool, such a divisive tool. It wears a party hat and mixes the strongest drinks, watching the party-goers behave like jackasses. Why?
Ask son-of-a-dentist/billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg. Mr. Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment during the writing of this, and its no wonder. Hes in Palo Alto, counting his drug money. Im booking a flight to Palo Alto and am either going to personally punch him in the face or flatter him until he hires me as his personal secretary. The second scenario is obviously more lucrative. The point is, I will no longer be in this creepy symbiotic relationship.
I will be free. (cue the MLK footage)
Print shops are full of danger.
Hands mangled, digits lost, clothes torn right off of bodies… (I better fact-check that last one).
Zeichen Press is no exception.
Behold:
Look if you must. Sometimes it is better to face the painful, it desensitizes the mind.
That’s good, right?
Because I am so committed to my craft, I (by “I”, I mean “my son”) squished the spider, and finished laying out this card:
Mother’s Day is coming up but you don’t have to get your mom a card.
Three new rep groups this Spring.
THREE.
These new (lucky) states are: Virginia, West Virginia, Idaho, Montana, Alaska, and New Mexico. Each rep gets a box of goodies, packed by Jen:
I bet that’s a lot of work.
I wish I could help but I’m too busy watching Pam watch kittens on televison while I lay in bed.
I DID write/design some new cards I’ve heard that laughing is as good for your body as eating so I plan to airdrop some new cards to the starving people in the world.
I’m sure they’ll be grateful. 
That’s where I am. Will I ever be able to get back to Minneapolis? Stay tuned.
And, just because I’m a little obsessed with the weather, I gathered some very important figures. - Record low temperatures in The United States of America:
| State | Temp. | Date | Station | Elevation |
| Alabama | -27 | Jan. 30, 1966 | New Market | 760 |
| Alaska | -80 | Jan. 23, 1971 | Prospect Creek | 1,100 |
| Arizona | -40 | Jan. 7, 1971 | Hawley Lake | 8,180 |
| Arkansas | -29 | Feb. 13, 1905 | Pond | 1,250 |
| California | -45 | Jan. 20, 1937 | Boca | 5,532 |
| Colorado | -61 | Feb. 1, 1985 | Maybell | 5,920 |
| Connecticut | -32 | Feb. 16, 1943 | Falls Village | 585 |
| Delaware | -17 | Jan. 17, 1893 | Millsboro | 20 |
| Florida | – 2 | Feb. 13, 1899 | Tallahassee | 193 |
| Georgia | -17 | Jan. 27, 1940 | Mauna Kea | 13,770 |
| Idaho | -60 | Jan. 18, 1943 | Island Park Dam | 6,285 |
| Illinois | -36 | Jan. 5, 1999 | Congerville | 722 |
| Indiana | -36 | Jan. 19, 1994 | New Whiteland | 785 |
| Iowa | -47 | Feb. 3, 1996* | Elkader | 770 |
| Kansas | -40 | Feb. 13, 1905 | Lebanon | 1,812 |
| Kentucky | -37 | Jan. 19, 1994 | Shelbyville | 730 |
| Louisiana | -16 | Feb. 13, 1899 | Minden | 194 |
| Maine | -48 | Jan. 19, 1925 | Van Buren | 458 |
| Maryland | -40 | Jan. 13, 1912 | Oakland | 2,461 |
| Massachusetts | -35 | Jan. 12, 1981 | Chester | 640 |
| Michigan | -51 | Feb. 9, 1934 | Vanderbilt | 785 |
| Minnesota | -60 | Feb. 2, 1996 | Tower | 1,430 |
| Mississippi | -19 | Jan. 30, 1966 | Corinth | 420 |
| Missouri | -40 | Feb. 13, 1905 | Warsaw | 700 |
| Montana | -70 | Jan. 20, 1954 | Rogers Pass | 5,470 |
| Nebraska | -47 | Feb. 12, 1899 | Camp Clarke | 3,700 |
| Nevada | -50 | Jan. 8, 1937 | San Jacinto | 5,200 |
| New Hampshire | -47 | Jan. 29, 1934 | Mt. Washington | 6,288 |
| New Jersey | -34 | Jan. 5, 1904 | River Vale | 70 |
| New Mexico | -50 | Feb. 1, 1951 | Gavilan | 7,350 |
| New York | -52 | Feb. 18, 1979* | Old Forge | 1,720 |
| North Carolina | -34 | Jan. 21, 1985 | Mt. Mitchell | 6,525 |
| North Dakota | -60 | Feb. 15, 1936 | Parshall | 1,929 |
| Ohio | -39 | Feb. 10, 1899 | Milligan | 800 |
| Oklahoma | -27 | Jan. 18, 1930 | Watts | 958 |
| Oregon | -54 | Feb. 10, 1933* | Seneca | 4,700 |
| Pennsylvania | -42 | Jan. 5, 1904 | Smethport | est. 1,500 |
| Rhode Island | -25 | Feb. 5, 1996 | Greene | 425 |
| South Carolina | -19 | Jan. 21, 1985 | Caesars Head | 3,100 |
| South Dakota | -58 | Feb. 17, 1936 | McIntosh | 2,277 |
| Tennessee | -32 | Dec. 30, 1917 | Mountain City | 2,471 |
| Texas | -23 | Feb. 8, 1933* | Seminole | 3,275 |
| Utah | -69 | Feb. 1, 1985 | Peter’s Sink | 8,092 |
| Vermont | -50 | Dec. 30, 1933 | Bloomfield | 915 |
| Virginia | -30 | Jan. 22, 1985 | Mountain Lake | 3,870 |
| Washington | -48 | Dec. 30, 1968 | Mazama | 2,120 |
| West Virginia | -37 | Dec. 30, 1917 | Lewisburg | 2,200 |
| Wisconsin | -55 | Feb.4, 1996 | Couderay | 1,300 |
| Wyoming | -66 | Feb. 9, 1933 | Riverside | 6,650 |
AND before we start killing and eating each other, we are entertaining ourselves by throwing boiling water into the cold air.
Why is it that the one time I leave my house something awesome happens?? Jack drove the Heidelberg Windmill down from Wahpeton, North Dakota this morning. Drove it right down to our fancy studio.
I’m in Brainerd not running around the house in my underwear and Jen is back at ZP headquarters. Who knew (Jack the mover knew) that the press was going to be delivered TODAY? Apparently, the hydraulic part of the pallet jack (not Jack the mover) didn’t love the 0°. I guess it was frozen and I’m no expert but that seems like a setback. Jen called me wondering where she could find a hair dryer. I don’t know why she wanted to style her hair but I’m not going to judge. Apparently, Jen’s beautiful hair did the trick because the new press is safe and sound in the SW corner of the shop.
Alphabetically speaking, Zeichen follows Warhol in the Room and Board dictionary. Andy Warhol and Zeichen Press sit side-by-side on the Wall Art page - I don’t want to speak for Mr. Warhol BUT I’ll bet he is thrilled with the proximity… This might be just the thing to jump-start his career… Good luck, Andy!! You weird, prolific little man!!
So, back on the R&B website – here’s what the description DOESN’T say:
Produced entirely by hand using
vintage (super old) printing equipment,
Zeichen Press creates this letterpress
design exclusively for us in their
Minneapolis studio. Actually, they call
it a studio but really it was once the
family garage – an issue that nearly
cost the owner (Fran Shea) her marriage,
and more importantly, the garage.
I mean, studio. Using a centuries-old
manual printing method, they set salvaged,
antique type by hand in limited print runs
to give the work a one-of-a-kind quality
that feels both modern and classic.
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
They edited that copy down to the nub! But I suppose they know best.
Have a look at these photos: GASP! They make me want to buy one of my own prints!
The Long Winter is the true tale of a Minnesota family surviving one of the most brutal Winters in our recorded history. Trapped in the house – day after day after day – the blizzard makes it impossible to see out the window or even walk out to the barn without getting lost. Good ol’ Pa rigs up a rope to follow, he is always coming up with some creative solution! Ma follows that rope because Pa finds himself trapped in a ditch by the creek. The wood pile dwindles to nothing and the family is forced to twist hay into little bundles – they would burn these in the cast-iron stove to heat their little house. … Tough, brown bread is the only food left to eat.
Or is it?
What if that was on the jacket flap? I’d totally read that book.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SH1j1luFOw&feature=related
Gosh, that’s a scary movie! Those poor misfit toys… the choo-choo with the square wheels, the pistol that shoots jelly, the effeminate jack-in-the-box… I think the jack-in-the-box and that little dentist-elf would make a cute couple.
Okay, so I keep trying to design something to print on these FIVE THOUSAND BEVERAGE COASTERS that we have lying around. I guess no one cares about preserving the shine and luster of their finished furniture.
I think that’s barbaric.
Maybe they think it sends the wrong message? I don’t. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to booze it up through the 12 days of Christmas. In fact, it is acceptable all year round IF you set your drink on one of our beverage coasters. (Was that some sort of plug?? Yes. Here’s a link: AND here’s one I designed just for Touchpoint Retail. It has the recipe for a candy cane martini right on it. Isn’t that handy?? 
They decided to go with a card design from the Zeichen Press line but JUST TO BE DIFFICULT (I mean, sui generis.) they had us print it on an oversized SQUARE coaster. But I must admit, it’s pretty darn nice.
But I LOVE you Zeichen Press! I do. It’s just that Tanek has something (money) that you don’t have. Does that sound shallow? It’s not, I swear. It’s not just the money. They make me coffee. AND they tell me I do good work. You just sit there and take. And take and take and take – a word that comes to mind is “relentless.” But not in a bad way. Did I mention they’re architects? I know! Restaurants, retail, residential… Wait, did I mention restaurants?… Of course you had to know, the signs were everywhere. Remember when I made those Tanek paper dolls? 
Or that 4-color halftone?
Wait, that was just last week. Anyway, I’m totally NOT breaking up with you. I’m just going to be seeing them too. But that’s cool, right? Don’t be so selfish.
**Editor’s Note: What does this mean??? Zeichen Press is just doing some marketing for Tanek.
No big deal.
Just a photoshopped-four-color-halftone-letterpress-printed Christmas Card.
Jen and I were like, “Oh, that’s cool. For a Christmas card.”
WHEW! What a weekend!
First of all, Amanda came to my house to do my hair.
She did.
Shut up.
I totally care about how I look. It seemed strange to look so beautiful AND carry 500 lbs of cards from a loading dock to a folding table. But I did it for the kids. Jen and I have worked out a system of communication that really facilitates a speedy set up: Jen orders me around like some sort of slave and I stifle sobs behind my Crying Scarf.
There was another letterpress company about 10 feet away from us and we had to fight to defend our turf. Zeichen Press ended up winning because we have better dance moves and we bribed the judges with Bazooka gum.
I figured out something pretty important on Saturday morning: I look like a Sleestack.
OH! Another thing that was pretty amazing: That dapper gent from one of our new cards actually bought the card that he is on!
I love a handsome man with a wallet full of cash. (Do you hear me, Kenny?!)
Let’s see… oh, yes.. the show was jam-packed and we made gobs of moola. I mean, we spread the joy of the season through letterpress goodness.
Here’s me laughing at one of my own jokes:
And here’s Jen endlessly fussing over a display:
I almost forgot to share this bit of news: Somebody actually stole an entire stack of these:
What the???
She must be a professional stalker.
If all goes according to my master plan, 2,500 pounds of love will soon be mine.
2,500 pounds…
That’s one of these:
Or two of him:
Are you intrigued??
The new logo has been crafted of copper and is ready for printing.
…But who are those people supposed to be?? And why does the woman wear her hair as if it were 1986?? Only I know the answers to these mysteries and I have just boarded a train headed for Zermatt.
