Zeichen Press

Category: New Cards

  • How To Catch A Fish (Sort Of)

    By age nine, I would delicately,

    with my right hand, fold down the sharp fins of a Sunfish.

    Why? 

    So I could use my left hand to insert the rusty pliars into the gasping mouth of my catch to retrieve the swallowed hook.

    If I was lucky.

    If I wasn’t lucky, I’d stare at my motionless bobber for hours.

    *Some backstory: My older brother (third of eight) allowed me to fish with him if I did whatever he said, and didn’t cry. He was SERIOUS about fishing. I had glasses and greasy blonde hair.

    **Some backstory about the backstory: My brother was born in September, and I was already a sprouted seed in our Mom’s belly by the next Summer.

    I think I’ve used the bobber-watching metaphor before, but it is APT. Everyday, I wait for my agent to tell me to get the rusty pliars.

    Why doesn’t he ever tell me to get the rusty pliars??

    He just tells me to “hang in there.”hang-in-thereOh, back to my Mom… She has 22 grandkids. This is her with the latest:mom-and-theoHAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

  • Spring Cleansing and Fumigation

    I’ve heard that we are only prescribed challenges tailored to fit our deficiencies. I don’t really have any deficiencies so I’ve just been row-row-rowing my boat, gently down the stream.

    But poor Jen spent the week hunting for bedbugs (that’s what she gets for going to Turkey) that turned out to be fleas. not-a-bedbug

    It took six flea-bombs and one hijab to properly fumigate.jen-w-botox-and-hijab-new-henry-dunceDoesn’t Henry look ashamed?

    Doesn’t Jen’s forehead look youthful?? I photoshop-botoxed it! AND saved her $200.

    She’ll thank me later.

    While she was busy meeting her prescribed challenge (I pray that she learned her lesson), *I* was busy nobly accepting rejections for The Book.sample-booksEight rejections so far… twelve still unresponsive. But don’t worry about me, I LOVE waiting, and see rejection as an opportunity to grow as a person.

    SPEAKING OF MOTHER’S DAY, here’s a new card:dont-worry-mom

  • The Answer to Life the Universe and Everything

    I turned 42 (wtf?) yesterday, received 18 drinking glasses, a scallop taco from Sea Salt, and this:opti-goblinsBUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I sent 20 little book samples to my agent…sample-booksSo now he can go pitch them to 20 publishers.

    I imagine his conversations go something like this:

    Peter: Here’s a new little adult picture book by Fran Shea, owner of Zeichen Press in Minneapolis, maker of cards for people that like laughing.

    Publisher Person: Let me put my eyeballs back in my sockets and write you a check for $1,000,000.

    Peter: Very good.

    END SCENE.

    Oh, I also made a new Easter card. Don’t send me hate email like you did for my zombie Easter card. Jesus loves me, this I know for the bible tells me so.damn-jesus-punked-us-so-good

  • Martyr Memo

    No, no… don’t worry about me — I’m fine! I actually enjoy imagining exotic travel. Who needs all of that packing and jet-lag… and those language barriers?… No thanks!

    Jen is (still) in Turkeyjen-in-turkey

    (is she ever coming home??) and I am here.fran-feet-smartwool

    See how I put my feet in the picture so that you can tell that I’m REALLY here?

    My daydreams are broken only by Tib the Cat.tib-hanging-on-doorAnd the other inmates’ bickering.

    But shouldn’t I embrace this opportunity during Lent for self-denial?

    FINE.jesus-told-me-vert

  • Are with mosque and minaret

    Jen is in Istanbul (was Constantinople, now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople)istanbuland I discuss cannibalism after a family dinner. “Apparently,” says Number One Son, “human meat tastes just like bison.”

    And so on.

    If this Winter ever ends (will it?? Did I just imagine warmer days??), students will graduate and I made a card for such an occasion:good-luck-explaing-that-dead-body

  • I’ve Done All The Things

    I’ve had 120 fires, watched everything (worth watching) on Netflix, eaten BONE-BROTH soup (like a caveman), changed my Smartwool socks 4 times…

    Oh, and WROTE A BOOK.

    Here’s the new cover with working title. (Isn’t that what people say??)get-back-in-that-house-vers-2

    But I always try to find the deeper meaning behind hardship, and 45 sub-zero days equals hardship. AM I RIGHT??

    Maybe I’m supposed to let the Winter inspire more cards?words-that-rhyme-with-cold

  • SO NEEDY

    Sheila and Franz Ferdinand begged me to write a Zeichen Press card about their love because they’ve been together for over five years. I thought for sure she would have left him when his hair-plugs were rejected by his fussy scalp, but the toupée looked so lifelike!cold-lifeless-heart-2You still have time to order a card for Valentine’s Day! Or two, if you are having an affair.

  • Voodoo Doll

    I started getting acupuncture this weekacupuncture-wordsbecause my qi [chee] is obviously messed up. And, everyone knows, it is impossible to write a book with messed-up qi [chee].

    A BOOK?!

    I’m writing A BOOK!! Remember??

    It’s one of the four things I talk about, so it should be easy to remember.

    But, what are the other three?

    1) Bacon

    2) Rat-kingsrat-kingAnd 3) My new nephewbaby-trojackHere’s a card that explains everything:chickens-are-anxiousRight??

  • Out of the depths I have cried to Thee

    Two important things happened this week:

    1) It was so cold that I never left the house.weather-grabIT FELT LIKE -49°.

    OKAY, cover your ears: THAT’S BULLSHIT.

    All I could possibly do is sit in front of the fire with my companion, Tib The Cat.tib-and-fireOh, yeah, and here’s number

    2) I GOT A LITERARY AGENT.

    You heard me.

    The Steinberg Agency — they rep people like Tim Gunn and Cris Carter. NO BIG DEAL.

    They want a 40-page picture book for adults…

    *I* like pictures.

    *I* am an adult.

    I can make that book.

    Here’s a teaser/the cover OF MY BOOK.how-to-cover-new-names

  • With An Awl And Some Brandy

    I heard a story about a Minnesota fur trader. 

    Tromping through the snow in seasonably cold weather, sans Northface winter gear and, more importantly, SANS Smartwool socks — he found his feet to be frozen solid. Frozen like a forgotten chuck roast buried under the pile of pizzas and popsicles.

    What did he do?

    Simply dragged his body through the snow until warmish accommodations were reached, asked the hardy men in the room for an awl, punctured his feet, and had those same hardy men pour brandy over his numb tootsies.

    There. Feet saved.

    I didn’t write a card about that. (I’m sure I will.) Here’s something more lighthearted:when-i-grow-up curling-team