Zeichen Press – Page 14 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Spanking Machine

A strange custom:

One child crawls through a tunnel made of other children � the crawling child is spanked on the bottom by each participant. The spankers laugh hysterically.

The concept of automated and industrial scale corporal punishment originated in 19th century Russia.

It’s true!

I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that the concept has evolved from judicial whipping of peasants to tunnels of birthday abuse for today’s schoolchildren.

A good friend of mine turned XX (not Roman numerals) and she has such fond memories of the Spanking Machine!

I made her a card:

April 24, 2012
Yoohoo! Alexis Stewart!

I’m over here! No… HERE! The one waving her arms and jumping up and down! …The one wearing the poncho and helmet!�

She must not see me.

She�did�mention Zeichen Press�on her blog.�And�she did buy cards from our�online shop. I thought that meant she wanted to hang out and talk about black bean chili with butternut squash and swiss chard?

You can totally call me, Alexis!

April 18, 2012
Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure.�She longed for danger.

Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony.�Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

That’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me,�“degloved.”�We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.Meow!

Poor Judy, only six lives left.�Use them wisely.

Judy happens to be my mother’s name�and so�this is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:And just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:

April 17, 2012
ACTUAL Cards With Real Healing Powers

Step right up, step right up!

It’s here, a cure for all that ails! Do you suffer from one (or more) of the following complications?:

Bumpy skin?
Webbed toes?
Nagging wife?

No? How about?:

Limp tongue?

Rotting scalp?

Too many fingers?

Fear not!�Just one purchase�of a Zeichen Press letterpress greeting card will set you on the proper path to wellness!

(The following photographs are guaranteed to cure any inflammation:)

April 13, 2012
Merry Franmas!!

I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

But I’m lying.

The truth is, I need the following items:

Wait, I needed them in 1984.�Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

PS: Thanks mom, for life!

PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.

April 12, 2012
Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

No.

Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobs�are different.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

How?

Cash Mobs�are a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawing�or�quartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.

Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept?�I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home.�

i like you�is next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

Just step over the girls.

April 12, 2012

Seeing Spring on the Dualistic Spectrum

Farewell my Wintertime Prison… Springtime is the amnesty hors d’oeuvre and reminds all (in these Northern climates) of the duality of nature.

See the flattened squirrel on the bike path? (Why is it SO flat on a�bike�path? WHY??)And see the lilacs in full bloom? (DO YOU??!! Face-meltingly beautiful…)Hmm, people also think about baseball in the Spring? Right? How about a congratulations card for the bros?

May 27, 2014
Sympathy/Empathy Cards

(((flashback)))

My husband was on a business trip, and that meant it was time for one or more of the kids to get the stomach flu. Because we love tradition, the youngest barfed in her own bath water. While I was cleaning that up, and not to be outdone, the middle one inhaled and regurgitated his macaroni & cheese right back on the plate.

The older one slunk away.

While I was cleaning�that�up, and unbeknownst to me, the cat coughed up a slimy hair-ball. I stepped on it (barefoot).

While I stood on one foot, crying, the dog came over and licked it up.

The End

May 17, 2014
How To Catch A Fish (Sort Of)

By age nine, I would delicately,

with my right hand, fold down the sharp fins of a Sunfish.

Why?�

So I could use my left hand to insert the rusty pliars into the gasping mouth of my catch to retrieve the swallowed hook.

If I was lucky.

If I�wasn’t�lucky, I’d stare at my motionless bobber for hours.

*Some backstory: My older brother (third of eight) allowed me to fish with him if I did whatever he said, and didn’t cry. He was SERIOUS about fishing. I had glasses and greasy blonde hair.

**Some backstory about the backstory: My brother was born in September, and I was already a sprouted seed in our Mom’s belly by the next Summer.

I think I’ve used the�bobber-watching metaphor�before, but it is APT. Everyday, I wait for�my agent�to tell me to get the rusty pliars.

Why doesn’t he ever tell me to get the rusty pliars??

He just tells me to “hang in there.”Oh, back to my Mom… She has 22 grandkids. This is her with the latest:HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

May 9, 2014
Spring Cleansing and Fumigation

I’ve heard that we are only prescribed challenges tailored to fit our deficiencies. I don’t really have any deficiencies so I’ve just been row-row-rowing my boat, gently down the stream.

But poor Jen spent the week hunting for bedbugs (that’s what she gets for�going to Turkey) that turned out to be fleas.�

It took six flea-bombs and one hijab to properly fumigate.Doesn’t Henry look ashamed?

Doesn’t Jen’s forehead look youthful?? I photoshop-botoxed it! AND saved her $200.

She’ll thank me later.

While she was busy meeting her prescribed challenge (I pray that she learned her lesson),�*I*�was busy nobly accepting rejections for The Book.Eight rejections so far… twelve still unresponsive. But don’t worry about me, I LOVE waiting, and see rejection as an opportunity to grow as a person.

SPEAKING OF MOTHER’S DAY, here’s a new card:

May 3, 2014
Rage-Filled Kitten Eats Dead Master’s Face

Is that a true story??They wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true.

Sally Struthers says that for about four dollars, you can buy a Starbucks Caff� Latte Venti… In the�Zeichen Press Shop, for just four dollars a day, you can bring laughter to someone who may or may not have been laughing.�

The choice is yours.

NOW, visit the shop to see our new release for Spring! You can buy the rage-filled kitten, the generous old woman,

my kind of tea party,

and so much more!

April 27, 2014
Farewell, Old Cards

Jen made me pull six cards from our line.

APPARENTLY, “they don’t sell” and don’t “make any money”.

But since when can you put a price tag�on greeting cards??

Here are the cards, you can buy them from�the shop�until they are gone forever.

FOREVER.This card was also on the list, but I refused to pull it because I’m not afraid of her.

April 18, 2014
The Answer to Life the Universe and Everything

I turned 42 (wtf?) yesterday, received 18 drinking glasses, a scallop taco from�Sea Salt, and this:BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I sent 20 little book samples to�my agent…So now he can go pitch them to 20 publishers.

I imagine his conversations go something like this:

Peter: Here’s a new little adult picture book by Fran Shea, owner of Zeichen Press in Minneapolis, maker of cards for people that like laughing.

Publisher Person: Let me put my eyeballs back in my sockets and write you a check for $1,000,000.

Peter: Very good.

END SCENE.

Oh, I also made a new Easter card. Don’t send me hate email like you did for my zombie Easter card. Jesus loves me, this I know for the bible tells me so.

April 13, 2014
Behind the Gate AND a New Book Title

Jen’s back!

Thank God.

She said she “missed ZP soooo much!”

ZP missed her too! To show her just how much, this rabbit (mascot) sacrificed and froze himself to the ground�right in front�of the gate she walks through to enter the ZP Headquarters.ALSO, I wrote/designed a new cover for my book… Kara is busily drawing pictures while I bark directions at her. I’m sure she’s already made a voodoo doll of me.

I don’t blame her a bit.

April 1, 2014
Martyr Memo

No, no… don’t worry about me � I’m fine! I actually enjoy�imagining�exotic travel. Who needs all of that packing and jet-lag… and those language barriers?… No thanks!

Jen is (still) in Turkey

(is she ever coming home??) and I am here.

See how I put my feet in the picture so that you can tell that I’m REALLY here?

My daydreams are broken only by Tib the Cat.And the other inmates’ bickering.

But shouldn’t I embrace this opportunity during Lent for self-denial?

FINE.

March 27, 2014
Are with mosque and minaret

Jen is in Istanbul�(was Constantinople, now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople)and I discuss cannibalism after a family dinner. “Apparently,” says Number One Son, “human meat tastes just like bison.”

And so on.

If this Winter ever ends (will it?? Did I just imagine warmer days??), students will graduate and I made a card for such an occasion:

March 24, 2014