Zeichen Press – Page 14 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Night of 1,000 Bloggers – ON ICE!

Keegan’s Pub�was crawling with local bloggers last night. I, too, left my�secret headquarters�and mingled with fellow pasty-faced Minnesotans. Aside from the table-raping, the evening was pleasant. Nobody noticed that I was suited up and ready for a blogathlon – I have been training all winter for this event – mostly sitting. Also, the interest I’ve had in other “things” and “people” has had to take a back-seat to my “writing”. The only thing that would have made the night more awesome is if�James Lileks�and I could have performed our Ice Revue. One word: Magic. Here’s a photo of me taken by a fellow�blogger :

Doesn’t it look like I’m having fun?! I always have fun when I drink flat Pepsi. Notice my delicate pinky-finger. Notice the food on my sweater and in my hair. Somebody must have thrown that at me because I don’t even eat anymore. I just drink flat Pepsi.��The Nihilist in Golf Pants�was also there… he may or may not remember the event. He was with a fellow that had wonderfully shaped eyebrows and spoke of gopher-holes. I think he was talking about gopher-holes. I was so busy staring at the miracle of a man-in-his-third-trimester that I lost track of the conversation.

March 8, 2009
“birthday card for a murderer”

That was the most recent search on my blog stats page. Somebody NEEDS a birthday card for that special murderer in their life. Somebody typed those words into their little google search window and the 13th result is a link to this blog post.

You’re welcome.

March 4, 2009
Bring it, Old Woman:

Work�is not really the right word for what I do. But�I do sit in a particular chair in my living room. I sit with my laptop on my lap. I sit here a lot.�Oft. I sit here ofttimes. In front of me is a couch. On the couch is the dog.

Above the couch are a row of windows. I sit and, absentmindedly, stare out the window. I do most everything absentmindedly. Some call it day-dreaming. I call it thoughts and feelings�continuously�flowing uninterrupted by objective description or conventional dialogue.

My teachers called it “almost failing.”

ANYWAY. I am sitting in my chair and I realize I am�absentmindedly staring out the window.�I notice the woman across the street (whose name I dare not speak) standing in front of her large picture window. She is an older woman and I’ve see her putter about in her yard scads of times… Now I see her�standing�in her living room, looking out her window. Not just�looking�out her window – she is standing stiff and still – as if in confrontation. She is staring, staring at me. I wouldn’t expect a television actor to stop the show and look through the glass at me looking at them. It’s not as if�I�am standing and staring out�my�window. I am in my usual slumped position, eyes barely over the screen of the computer, headphones blaring music in my ears.

I am�camouflaged. She shouldn’t be able to see me.

But she does.

She sees me and I’m not kidding: She, this elderly lady, gives me TWO MIDDLE FINGERS! I actually pointed at myself “who me?” and turned around, sure to see some scoundrel. But no!�The�eminem-style-double-flip-off�was meant for me. ME! I watched as she closed her blinds.

February 26, 2009
MMPA Oscar Luncheon Update/My Roundworm Realization

Robert Downy Jr. is holding My Cards and�the cat is throwing up worms. Yin Yang, right??!! I get it. I GET IT. I can’t have the RDJ without the 5″ long vomit-covered, wriggling worms. I wouldn’t even dream of it. I don’t even DESERVE it. I AM the worm.

The Lowly Worm.�

February 20, 2009
��Creatives Better Bring it in 2009 or How Not to Get Outsourced��

Hey!

I’ve got your stimulus plan right here: (picture me pantomiming using and flushing a toilet)

WHAT?! I KNOW! It?’s nuts, but don’?t worry, I have a plan. What? You are a ?creative? and not one of those money-grubbing-pencil-pushing-number-crunching-suit-wearing-folder-filing-douche-bags? Oh, well. Never mind. Your�bulging, overdeveloped right brain will miraculously begin its emergency production of U.S. currency.

Oh, silly me. Or, ?Blee, blah, blah? as my mom would say. That was MY bulging, overdeveloped right brain trying to find a creative solution for something that is far too complicated for my shriveled left brain to comprehend. Doctors say that my left brain is all that actually remains of my parasitic conjoined twin.

But that’?s not important.

Listen, what IS important is this: Stuff as much potable water and canned ham as will fit in a canvas bag and hitchhike to the least populated area you can find. It will probably be a shopping mall because nobody has any money?.

I?’m just kidding.

Don?’t bring the canned ham – that?s gross. Bring one of those shrink-wrapped holiday sausages. Okay, where was I? Why do I think it?’s important to go to the mall to see the people NOT spending their moola? BECAUSE, you – The Creative, need to inspire the buyer to buy and should see firsthand where the people are milling about, imagining shelling out their hard-earned dough. This economic pickle will do something interesting for the creative community: It will separate the men from the boys, like a giant, emotionless colander. All you timid, cowering, insecure creatives will slip through the holes.

Don?t feel bad, your ?”creative thing”? could win you the title of The Most Awesome Pictionary Partner.

But, the rest of you… YOU need to bring it.

Bring.

It.

Show us what you?’re made of! There was a time when men labored their entire lives on a single artistic work. We have a word for those people: Dead. And also, dedicated. Know your market and drive your original, imaginative spear right through that teeny-tiny part of their brain that whispers, ?I like that.?

NOW, if you are a creative that does NOT need to earn a living busting your creative butt- ignore all of those crazy words above. YOU are a purist. You design and make and create because you can. If I were Oprah I?’d say that with a ton of energy and enthusiasm, ?BECAUSE… YOU… CAN!!? Do you feel me? Knit, sew, draw, paint, print, cook, write – whatever your medium, do your thing – don’?t let the staggering, smelly, urine-soaked economy drag you down, don’?t be discouraged! This is your big chance to wear depression-era clothing and squeeze blood from a stone! Visit your local thrift stores for materials, scour Craigslist for deals, fish your local pond for dinner!

My brother, Zak, goes to great lengths to keep his money from The Man. (Offshore accounts, blee, blah, blah) Salvaging wood from broken-down barns, buildings, docks, whatever – and transforms them into stunning pieces of furniture, ornaments, frames, and toys. (Shameless, nepotistic plug: click here to be lathered in images of wooden beauty)

It must be genetic because My Grandpa was all about recycling WAY before it was even a thing. He made his living as a plumber and knew copper more than most men know their wives. (But who can�really�KNOW copper? Right?) Door pulls, garden arbors, oven racks… the whole damn house was held together by copper.

Are you picking up what I?’m laying down? I?’m giving you examples from my own life that you might find something relatable in yours. That makes you, the reader, feel closer to me. We should totally go have coffee and talk about how we?re going to rock 2009.

Right on.

February 13, 2009
****Star Struck****

Richard Jenkins,�Brad Pitt,�Kate Winslet,�Angelina Jolie,�Meryl Streep,�Danny Boyle,�Stephen Daldry,�David Fincher,�Ron Howard,�Gus Van Sant,�Robert Downey, Jr.,�Philip Hoffman,�Michael Shannon,�Penelope Cruz,�Viola�Davis,�Taraji P. Henson,�Marisa Tomei:

Are.

All.

Getting.

Our.

Cards

YOU HEARD ME. These celebrated people will be attending the MMPA Oscar Luncheon and will be receiving one of those fancy gift bags that everyone drools over in Entertainment Weekly.
Is it wrong that I am caressing the cards and calling them Sugar-Bush?
Good luck cards. Good luck and God-speed.
Oh, which cards did we pick?

These:

January 30, 2009

Seeing Spring on the Dualistic Spectrum

Farewell my Wintertime Prison… Springtime is the amnesty hors d’oeuvre and reminds all (in these Northern climates) of the duality of nature.

See the flattened squirrel on the bike path? (Why is it SO flat on a�bike�path? WHY??)And see the lilacs in full bloom? (DO YOU??!! Face-meltingly beautiful…)Hmm, people also think about baseball in the Spring? Right? How about a congratulations card for the bros?

May 27, 2014
Sympathy/Empathy Cards

(((flashback)))

My husband was on a business trip, and that meant it was time for one or more of the kids to get the stomach flu. Because we love tradition, the youngest barfed in her own bath water. While I was cleaning that up, and not to be outdone, the middle one inhaled and regurgitated his macaroni & cheese right back on the plate.

The older one slunk away.

While I was cleaning�that�up, and unbeknownst to me, the cat coughed up a slimy hair-ball. I stepped on it (barefoot).

While I stood on one foot, crying, the dog came over and licked it up.

The End

May 17, 2014
How To Catch A Fish (Sort Of)

By age nine, I would delicately,

with my right hand, fold down the sharp fins of a Sunfish.

Why?�

So I could use my left hand to insert the rusty pliars into the gasping mouth of my catch to retrieve the swallowed hook.

If I was lucky.

If I�wasn’t�lucky, I’d stare at my motionless bobber for hours.

*Some backstory: My older brother (third of eight) allowed me to fish with him if I did whatever he said, and didn’t cry. He was SERIOUS about fishing. I had glasses and greasy blonde hair.

**Some backstory about the backstory: My brother was born in September, and I was already a sprouted seed in our Mom’s belly by the next Summer.

I think I’ve used the�bobber-watching metaphor�before, but it is APT. Everyday, I wait for�my agent�to tell me to get the rusty pliars.

Why doesn’t he ever tell me to get the rusty pliars??

He just tells me to “hang in there.”Oh, back to my Mom… She has 22 grandkids. This is her with the latest:HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

May 9, 2014
Spring Cleansing and Fumigation

I’ve heard that we are only prescribed challenges tailored to fit our deficiencies. I don’t really have any deficiencies so I’ve just been row-row-rowing my boat, gently down the stream.

But poor Jen spent the week hunting for bedbugs (that’s what she gets for�going to Turkey) that turned out to be fleas.�

It took six flea-bombs and one hijab to properly fumigate.Doesn’t Henry look ashamed?

Doesn’t Jen’s forehead look youthful?? I photoshop-botoxed it! AND saved her $200.

She’ll thank me later.

While she was busy meeting her prescribed challenge (I pray that she learned her lesson),�*I*�was busy nobly accepting rejections for The Book.Eight rejections so far… twelve still unresponsive. But don’t worry about me, I LOVE waiting, and see rejection as an opportunity to grow as a person.

SPEAKING OF MOTHER’S DAY, here’s a new card:

May 3, 2014
Rage-Filled Kitten Eats Dead Master’s Face

Is that a true story??They wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true.

Sally Struthers says that for about four dollars, you can buy a Starbucks Caff� Latte Venti… In the�Zeichen Press Shop, for just four dollars a day, you can bring laughter to someone who may or may not have been laughing.�

The choice is yours.

NOW, visit the shop to see our new release for Spring! You can buy the rage-filled kitten, the generous old woman,

my kind of tea party,

and so much more!

April 27, 2014
Farewell, Old Cards

Jen made me pull six cards from our line.

APPARENTLY, “they don’t sell” and don’t “make any money”.

But since when can you put a price tag�on greeting cards??

Here are the cards, you can buy them from�the shop�until they are gone forever.

FOREVER.This card was also on the list, but I refused to pull it because I’m not afraid of her.

April 18, 2014
The Answer to Life the Universe and Everything

I turned 42 (wtf?) yesterday, received 18 drinking glasses, a scallop taco from�Sea Salt, and this:BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I sent 20 little book samples to�my agent…So now he can go pitch them to 20 publishers.

I imagine his conversations go something like this:

Peter: Here’s a new little adult picture book by Fran Shea, owner of Zeichen Press in Minneapolis, maker of cards for people that like laughing.

Publisher Person: Let me put my eyeballs back in my sockets and write you a check for $1,000,000.

Peter: Very good.

END SCENE.

Oh, I also made a new Easter card. Don’t send me hate email like you did for my zombie Easter card. Jesus loves me, this I know for the bible tells me so.

April 13, 2014
Behind the Gate AND a New Book Title

Jen’s back!

Thank God.

She said she “missed ZP soooo much!”

ZP missed her too! To show her just how much, this rabbit (mascot) sacrificed and froze himself to the ground�right in front�of the gate she walks through to enter the ZP Headquarters.ALSO, I wrote/designed a new cover for my book… Kara is busily drawing pictures while I bark directions at her. I’m sure she’s already made a voodoo doll of me.

I don’t blame her a bit.

April 1, 2014
Martyr Memo

No, no… don’t worry about me � I’m fine! I actually enjoy�imagining�exotic travel. Who needs all of that packing and jet-lag… and those language barriers?… No thanks!

Jen is (still) in Turkey

(is she ever coming home??) and I am here.

See how I put my feet in the picture so that you can tell that I’m REALLY here?

My daydreams are broken only by Tib the Cat.And the other inmates’ bickering.

But shouldn’t I embrace this opportunity during Lent for self-denial?

FINE.

March 27, 2014
Are with mosque and minaret

Jen is in Istanbul�(was Constantinople, now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople)and I discuss cannibalism after a family dinner. “Apparently,” says Number One Son, “human meat tastes just like bison.”

And so on.

If this Winter ever ends (will it?? Did I just imagine warmer days??), students will graduate and I made a card for such an occasion:

March 24, 2014