• Spanking Machine

    A strange custom:

    One child crawls through a tunnel made of other children the crawling child is spanked on the bottom by each participant. The spankers laugh hysterically.

    The concept of automated and industrial scale corporal punishment originated in 19th century Russia.

    It’s true!

    I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that the concept has evolved from judicial whipping of peasants to tunnels of birthday abuse for today’s schoolchildren.

    A good friend of mine turned XX (not Roman numerals) and she has such fond memories of the Spanking Machine!

    I made her a card:small-spanking-layoutsmall-birthday-spankings

    April 24, 2012
  • Yoohoo! Alexis Stewart!

    I’m over here! No… HERE! The one waving her arms and jumping up and down! …The one wearing the poncho and helmet!

    She must not see me.

    alexis-stewart

    Shedidmention Zeichen Presson her blog.Andshe did buy cards from ouronline shop. I thought that meant she wanted to hang out and talk about black bean chili with butternut squash and swiss chard?

    You can totally call me, Alexis!

    April 18, 2012
  • Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

    Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure.She longed for danger.

    Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony.balcony-4504Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

    judy-tailThat’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me,“degloved.”We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

    Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.judy-gets-a-bathMeow!

    Poor Judy, only six lives left.Use them wisely.

    Judy happens to be my mother’s nameand sothis is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:escaped-from-prisonAnd just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:work-it-dad

    April 17, 2012
  • ACTUAL Cards With Real Healing Powers

    Step right up, step right up!

    It’s here, a cure for all that ails! Do you suffer from one (or more) of the following complications?:

    Bumpy skin?
    Webbed toes?
    Nagging wife?

    No? How about?:

    Limp tongue?

    Rotting scalp?

    Too many fingers?

    Fear not!Just one purchaseof a Zeichen Press letterpress greeting card will set you on the proper path to wellness!

    (The following photographs are guaranteed to cure any inflammation:)oldcrab-smaller-forgot-birthdaythanksss-smaller hugh-smaller freaktastic-smaller fatgratitude-smaller facebookbd-smaller chicken-smaller beast-smaller

    April 13, 2012
  • Merry Franmas!!

    I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

    But I’m lying.

    The truth is, I need the following items:pacman-tv-tray

    Using Ouija Board --- Image by  Bettmann/CORBIS

    sony-walkman

    Wait, I needed them in 1984.Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

    Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

    ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

    Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

    PS: Thanks mom, for life!

    PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.omgur4t

    April 12, 2012
  • Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

    No.

    Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobsare different.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

    How?

    Cash Mobsare a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawingorquartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.shop-local-tag-image

    Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept?I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home.

    i like youis next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

    Just step over the girls.

    sarah-angela-on-the-grass-2

    April 12, 2012
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  • I said, YOOHOO, ALEXIS STEWART!

    I can’t believe she doesn’t see me!…

    I’M IN THE HOT AIR BALLOON FLOATING OVER YOU AND MARTHA!!martha-and-alexis-stroller

    I knew it… She is walking to the mailbox to send a Zeichen Press card!

    She ordered a bunchfromour online shop,but due to doctor/patient (I’m the doctor in this scenario) confidentiality, I cannot divulge which cards she chose.

    I CAN tell you that she is concerned about a funny-looking mole on her mom’s bottom.

    April 10, 2013
  • Captain’s Log, Stardate 4.1.2013

    Jen was part of a dangerous expedition

    jen-ski-trip-crop

    New product was added tothe shopand I can’t help but wonder which cards will sell well… will they be sheep-related?:sheep-30-f8wanted-30-f8snowflake-brighterhigh-fiverecipe-30-f8Or not?

    April 1, 2013
  • Being Eaten By Monsters Is Not So Funny

    My older brothers had a bunk bed, my little brother had his own bed and my sister and I shared a queen-sized bed.

    We also shared countless hours of strange bedtime rituals: she would put on her school uniform (white blouse and brown plaid jumper) and pull her nightgown over it that was for early morning efficiency… I would skip the uniform step and go right to the nightgown.

    I was so slow!

    She would coat her arms in Elmer’s Glue,

    elmers-glue

    I would dress and redress Raggedy Ann.

    I don’t know if she shared my fear of the monster under the bed.

    No, what am I saying?She did not. In fact, she created the fear!

    Siblings can be so cruel.monster-under-the-bed

    April 1, 2013
  • Local Woman Not Kidnapped By Craigslist Poster

    PHEW!

    My Faith in Humanity was fortified! I bought atripod from a stranger on Craiglist and hemade no mention of kidnappng, torturing, OR skinning me.

    Now I can stumble my way through taking photographs of the new cards!

    The Craigslist man assured me (three times) that the tripod was the “real deal” so that should help.

    March 23, 2013
  • The Widow’s Walk

    new-barn-widow-2She waited.

    Pacing the widow’s walk, praying for his ship to appear on the horizon, her view of the sea uninterrupted from her perch.

    But no!

    And who but those onboard could know the truth was it a storm? Pirates? Mutiny?

    Or was it The Kraken?at least

    March 15, 2013
  • Left, Left, Lefty, Right-o Left, Right

    That’s the sound that March makes that and a muffled sobbing.February triggers cabin fever but March in Minnesota is far more dangerous.

    Here’s a story about March:One Christmas, Santa put a baby albino rabbit under the tree so delightful!

    The little rabbit grew into a big rabbit and by the next Winter, our basement smelled like the bunny barn at the State Fair. With scraps of wood and a bale of hay, I built an outdoor rabbit hutch.

    In a pinch, it could serve as a coffin for an adult man.

    IN A PINCH.

    By March it was buried under several feet of snow and I’d order my eldest to go spend time with the rabbit in the snow coffin.

    The moral of the story is: Get a dog.

    And something about March creating crazy. Thank God I have an outlet for my March crazy:water-vodka-2

    March 8, 2013
  • Vocabulary Quiz And Card Celebrating Angry Parents

    My high school English teacher told the class that if we looked up the word ‘glib’ in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me.glib-fran-definition-2

    She was right!

    I think I felt insulted.

    I’m sure Jen’s high school English teacher said something similar about her.jen-reckless-definition-2

    And if not, she should have.

    What does this have to do with angry parents or a new card?

    Obviously, my glibness was not celebrated at home. In fact, it was frowned upon can you believe it?!

    And Jen’s reckless behavior?? You’ll have to ask her about that… I mean, pregnant at 19?! What was she THINKING?! (Wait, that was me?? We need to hire a fact checker.)sometimes-mommy-and-daddy-fight

    February 26, 2013
  • Oh, Great.

    Look who I found in front of Zeichen Press HQ!

    First the squirrels and then the bearAND NOW THIS?!yeti-in-front-of-the-shop

    February 21, 2013
  • World Domination Is Safe And Easy

    And it can be done from the comfort of your own home!

    If you’re like me (don’t worry, you’re not) you don’t like to “leave” your house or “go” anywhere.

    Don’t worry!

    World Domination will be yours as long as you have these three things:

    1) Wi-Fi

    2) Computer

    3) Forever Lazy Suit

    forever-lazy

    We just picked up a new rep for the Virginia and West Virginia territories (that’s right, TERRITORIES. Like a gang.)

    We are excited to welcome him aboard!

    And we hope we don’t scare him away with our love forFranimalsand wine.recipe-called-for-one-glass-of-wine

    February 21, 2013
  • The Importance of Wine and Kittens on the Interweb

    There IS a universal language on the World Wide Web and understanding it only requires the appreciation of three things:

    1) Kittens

    2) Wine

    3) Talking dogs

    Also, videos where guys get kicked in the nuts but those existed before YouTube.

    I follow the dog around the house with my iPhone and I plan on kicking a guy in the nuts this week.

    My life is all kittens and wine, so I was able to create the following:theyll-never-suspect-me

    Feel free to share that 1,000,000 times.

    And here’s a new card:It’s a true story.take-my-tea

    February 17, 2013
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