• Spanking Machine

    A strange custom:

    One child crawls through a tunnel made of other children — the crawling child is spanked on the bottom by each participant. The spankers laugh hysterically.

    The concept of automated and industrial scale corporal punishment originated in 19th century Russia.

    It’s true!

    I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that the concept has evolved from judicial whipping of peasants to tunnels of birthday abuse for today’s schoolchildren.

    A good friend of mine turned XX (not Roman numerals) and she has such fond memories of the Spanking Machine!

    I made her a card:small-spanking-layoutsmall-birthday-spankings

    April 24, 2012
  • Yoohoo! Alexis Stewart!

    I’m over here! No… HERE! The one waving her arms and jumping up and down! …The one wearing the poncho and helmet! 

    She must not see me.

    alexis-stewart

    She did mention Zeichen Press on her blog. And she did buy cards from our online shop. I thought that meant she wanted to hang out and talk about black bean chili with butternut squash and swiss chard?

    You can totally call me, Alexis!

    April 18, 2012
  • Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

    Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure. She longed for danger.

    Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony. balcony-4504Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

    judy-tailThat’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me, “degloved.” We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

    Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.judy-gets-a-bathMeow!

    Poor Judy, only six lives left. Use them wisely.

    Judy happens to be my mother’s name and so this is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:escaped-from-prisonAnd just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:work-it-dad

    April 17, 2012
  • ACTUAL Cards With Real Healing Powers

    Step right up, step right up!

    It’s here, a cure for all that ails! Do you suffer from one (or more) of the following complications?:

    Bumpy skin?
    Webbed toes?
    Nagging wife?

    No? How about?:

    Limp tongue?

    Rotting scalp?

    Too many fingers?

    Fear not! Just one purchase of a Zeichen Press letterpress greeting card will set you on the proper path to wellness!

    (The following photographs are guaranteed to cure any inflammation:)oldcrab-smaller-forgot-birthdaythanksss-smaller hugh-smaller freaktastic-smaller fatgratitude-smaller facebookbd-smaller chicken-smaller beast-smaller

    April 13, 2012
  • Merry Franmas!!

    I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

    But I’m lying.

    The truth is, I need the following items:pacman-tv-tray

    Using Ouija Board --- Image by © Bettmann/CORBIS

    sony-walkman

    Wait, I needed them in 1984. Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

    Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

    ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

    Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

    PS: Thanks mom, for life!

    PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.omgur4t

    April 12, 2012
  • Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

    No.

    Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobs are different.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

    How?

    Cash Mobs are a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawing or quartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.shop-local-tag-image

    Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept? I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home. 

    i like you is next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

    Just step over the girls.

    sarah-angela-on-the-grass-2

    April 12, 2012
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  • The mysterious mating practice of the praying mantis, AND YOU!

    Ah, romance! One couple might choose dinner and a movie… Another couple might choose post-coital cannibalism.

    February 15, 2013
  • Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

    Who’s the fairest one of all?

    There is SO much happening around here! First, I had to bait a squirrel trapsquirrel-trapto catch the Kitchen-Squirrel. I was going to fill the trap with my kitchen garbage (her favorite) but I decided to go for something more bourgeois: Skippy Peanut Butter.

    And then there was a serious decision to make: Which card would Paper Source like more?somisunderstoodsup-dawg-betterI hope we chose wisely because one of our lives (Jen’s) is on the line.

    Oh, and I didn’t forget that it is Valentine’s Day today, I am very romantic. Here is proof:hello-lover-blue

    February 14, 2013
  • Meat Suits And Building A Fan Base

    For Immediate Release: In an attempt to build the Zeichen Press Fan Base, Jen Shea and Fran Shea will appear on a local cable-access show locked in a cell and covered in Fancy Feast™. 1,000 cats will be released into the cell through a small hatch. Fran and Jen will sing a medley of famous duets, including Islands In the Stream, Endless Love, and You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.

    ###being-a-sheep-2

    February 10, 2013
  • Inspiration Constipation Frustration

    I’ve been told that life is full of challenges. And I’m sure that, someday, I’ll encounter one. I hope it’s not a shipwreck or banishment. …I will probably contract the Ebola Virus. I designed a card for myself in preparation.organs-turn-to-gravy

    Oh, but here’s a more “buyable” card for those of us that need encouragement:battling-my-illness

    February 5, 2013
  • HIGH FIVE!

    In the belly of the Good Ship Whistlesnot sat two strangers — one called Captain Fatchtinkle and the other, Timtim Lipskin.

    They chatted like two gentlemen between rounds of whiskey-pong and Password and it wasn’t long before discovering they shared a passion for shuffleboard.

    A friendship was born!

    (To be continued…)high-fivers-better-more-face

    February 2, 2013
  • Understanding Your Target Demographic

    Hello.

    My name is Pevenshire Wiffynuts and I’m here today to talk about targeting your demographic. Whether you are marketing adult diapers, cowboy hats, or cemetery plots, it is critical that you understand your audience. That may mean that you have to poop in your pants, herd cows, or bury a loved one.

    Don’t be afraid to do these things — they will help you effectively move product and change lives. 

    Wow! Thanks, Pevenshire.

    I hear what you’re saying — I ripped off my mom-mask to reveal the face of an eight-year-old-boy so I could create this birthday card:you-look-like-a-monkey

    January 29, 2013
  • Fairy Tales And True Tales

    The poor peasant said it best, “even if we had only one and it were quite small, and only as big as a thumb, I should be quite satisfied, and we would still love it with all our hearts.”

    If Fairy Tales were true, hedgehogs would speak and donkeys would spew gold. And poor old peasants could wish and receive tiny children.

    I wrote a Fairy Tale about an old childless couple and a duck. Inspired by true events. In the story, there is a duck, a baby, and an angry mob.

    But I’ve said too much!

    I’ll get that published someday but MEANWHILE here is a card for the new parent — it features a disgruntled chick.phew-you-arrived-chick

    January 28, 2013
  • Have You Seen This Baby?

    I’ve nursed a few babies in my day and that makes me an expert on sacrifice.

    It does.

    Or is it laziness? Making a bottle seemed like so much work! …Get out of my cozy bed, walk all the way to the kitchen, measure and pour powdered formula into a bottle, warm water in pan on stove, add water to bottle, test temperature

    OR

    lift up my shirt.

    Anyway, I made a card for the new mother:wanted-have-you-seen-this-baby-sage

    January 25, 2013
  • General Sherman’s Men Are Praying For You

    Isn’t that a comforting thought?

    If I had a tumor, I’d want a group of strangers to pray it away.

    Less messy than surgery.

    Also, if I could train a field-full of meerkats to pray for me, I would.meerkatsThat would be adorable.

    Thanks (or no thanks) to Facebook, phrases that were once packed with meaning, are like a watered-down drink: You are in our prayers… We are all praying for you…

    These, followed by a frowny-face 🙁 are now much more common than a hand-written note.

    🙁 x 1,000!

    Someday we’ll create Encouragement Cards for the most grievous of events (will we??) but how about those events that still deserve more than a Facebook comment? How about: sewage backups, low-risk operations, stomach flus, power-outtages, lost dogs, lost luggage, car-jackings, rat-infestations, or hauntings?

    Not quite tragic but still entitled to a show of support. A card like this (IN THE MAILBOX) would cheer a person up posthaste:we-are-all-praying-for-you

    January 16, 2013
  • Hands-Free Forever

    It was time for The Sign Of Peace, and as all members of the congregation turned to offer their hand for a firm shaking, I slowly let my sleeve swallow my hand.

    With a forlorn look and one missing hand, I imagined the gasps of concern for my deformity. I turned to the family in the pew behind me — they would wonder if I was born crippled or if my hand had been lost in a bloody accident. I was eager to extend my handless arm, my face already prepared and appropriately pitiful.

    Oh, but why do parents have to crush their children’s fantasies?

    And here’s another story about hands:

    I took woodshop in highschool.

    I did. I was the only girl. The room was filled with dangerous power-tools and I secretly hoped for the “automatic A” decribed by the teacher: ”If a student is dumb enough to sever a finger or an entire hand, they will receive an automatic A.” 

    Unfortunately, I successfully made a box:wooden boxhow-am-i-supposed-to-textSpeaking of hands, here’s a new card:

    January 13, 2013
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