Zeichen Press – Page 23 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Spanking Machine

A strange custom:

One child crawls through a tunnel made of other children � the crawling child is spanked on the bottom by each participant. The spankers laugh hysterically.

The concept of automated and industrial scale corporal punishment originated in 19th century Russia.

It’s true!

I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that the concept has evolved from judicial whipping of peasants to tunnels of birthday abuse for today’s schoolchildren.

A good friend of mine turned XX (not Roman numerals) and she has such fond memories of the Spanking Machine!

I made her a card:

April 24, 2012
Yoohoo! Alexis Stewart!

I’m over here! No… HERE! The one waving her arms and jumping up and down! …The one wearing the poncho and helmet!�

She must not see me.

She�did�mention Zeichen Press�on her blog.�And�she did buy cards from our�online shop. I thought that meant she wanted to hang out and talk about black bean chili with butternut squash and swiss chard?

You can totally call me, Alexis!

April 18, 2012
Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure.�She longed for danger.

Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony.�Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

That’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me,�“degloved.”�We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.Meow!

Poor Judy, only six lives left.�Use them wisely.

Judy happens to be my mother’s name�and so�this is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:And just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:

April 17, 2012
ACTUAL Cards With Real Healing Powers

Step right up, step right up!

It’s here, a cure for all that ails! Do you suffer from one (or more) of the following complications?:

Bumpy skin?
Webbed toes?
Nagging wife?

No? How about?:

Limp tongue?

Rotting scalp?

Too many fingers?

Fear not!�Just one purchase�of a Zeichen Press letterpress greeting card will set you on the proper path to wellness!

(The following photographs are guaranteed to cure any inflammation:)

April 13, 2012
Merry Franmas!!

I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

But I’m lying.

The truth is, I need the following items:

Wait, I needed them in 1984.�Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

PS: Thanks mom, for life!

PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.

April 12, 2012
Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

No.

Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobs�are different.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

How?

Cash Mobs�are a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawing�or�quartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.

Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept?�I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home.�

i like you�is next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

Just step over the girls.

April 12, 2012

Man vs. Himself

I was once one of them � an innocent amusement park customer. I looked down at them now, from the highest man-made point in Shakopee, Minnesota.�I sighed and listened to the�chug-chug-chugging�from beneath our coaster � our lives depended on the integrity of a giant bicycle chain.�Our open-casket hesitated for just a moment at the tippy-top of the steel summit � hesitated just enough for me to grasp the inevitable free-fall.�And as we plummeted to our possible deaths, I screamed.

And wet my pants.

The End

How old was she?

Don’t judge me.

Obviously,�I wasn’t born riding a roller coaster,�I was born screaming. And wetting my pants.

*Hint: this photograph was taken close to the time of the event and **Double Hint: I’m not the baby.Speaking of literary themes, there is a lot (not really) to dissect in this new (Holiday/Winter Season?) card:

November 24, 2012
Countdown To Countdown

The newspaper is delivered to our doorstep each morning (by horse and buggy) and I comb through it � if I find a particularly odd/sad/absurd story, I read it aloud to whomever (the dog) is nearby.

Here is an abbreviated digest of the only (two) articles I remember from the past (two) months:�(In alphabetical order)

1) Stratosphere jump by daredevil, Felix Baumgartner:�In an attempt to break the world record, Felix jumped from a capsule suspended 23 miles above Roswell, New Mexico.

I plan on breaking�that�record when I get tired of this whole letterpress thing.

2) Talking elephant in South Korea loves Zeichen Press.�Strange but true.

Crazy?! I know! Koshik’s trainer must $*#%-love Zeichen Press.

Enough time-wasting.

Here is a new Christmas card (available�NEXT�Christmas. Sorry).

November 17, 2012
Winter Preview

The Winter Walk Home from school included two memorable rituals: Dipping our un-mittened hands in 25� Tom Thumb coffee�(how old IS she?)�and passing by a very high retaining wall.

The wall held up the yard of our enemies: Two freckle-faced, red-headed brothers. These boys went to a�Public School�and as if that isn’t bad enough, they took great pleasure in tormenting me.

I will remind you that�this�is what I looked like:

Why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?

Armed with boulders of snow, poised-and-ready atop the wall � they would wait. Down Vincent Avenue I trudged: snow-pants under my plaid skirt, grease-covered hand-me-down coat, knit cap with sheepskin earflaps.

Again, why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?

I won’t tell you the ending.

We had a dusting of snow the other day but I knew better than to break out the snow-pants and knit cap. It was merely a teaser, a preview, an appetizer, an AMUSE-GUEULE.

Speaking of snow,�here’s a new card:�

November 14, 2012
Winternship� & Skin Suits

Zeichen Press has never had a Wintertime Intern.

Until now.

I expect the new “intern” to make me laugh.�It’s an important job.�She also claims she will sort type and organize cards but we’ll see. WE’LL SEE.

In other news:�I made ANOTHER�Thinking Of You�card. I thought and thought about what sort of message I’d like to receive if I were down-in-the-dumps, and I came up with this:My sister wanted me to show�The-Softer-Side-Of-Fran, but all I could think of was Marshmallow Fluff� and then I just wanted to sit on the beach and pull hermit crabs out of their shells.

What is wrong with me?

November 8, 2012
Snail Mail : Our Bread & Butter

There has been an ethical debate raging regarding snail shell art. Some feel that humans have the right to decorate the shells of�living snails.

Where do I stand?�The following new birthday card reveals my feelings on this sensitive subject:Please respect my freedom of speech.

Speaking of�freedom: Come down to�Foiled Again�on Saturday night for some�free�wine. While you’re there, you could buy some of our cards!

Two birds! One stone!

November 1, 2012
Insomnia and the Woolly Mammoth

I can’t wait until scientists clone the Woolly Mammoth.

Some might call it reckless curiosity, I call it Vegas-style science. Implanting salvaged Woolly Mammoth nuclei into an unsuspecting Asian Elephant sounds safe to me ��what could happen?�

Meanwhile,�I lay awake�and�imagine receiving (or not receiving) a baby Woolly Mammoth as a gift.�

October 27, 2012
I’ve Never Been To Paris

But I�did�take French in high school so I know all about magnetephones, l’autobus, et la lunettes pour Luc.

For the foreseeable future, I will stay within a 30 mile radius of the Zeichen Press headquarters and dream of faraway lands.Feeling the need for a Field Trip, I went to the Other Side Of Minneapolis and visited�Rex Mills. I walked through the front door, broke the tenth commandment,�(You shall not covet�- geez, get your mind out of the gutter)�pretended I had something in my eye, snapped some photos, threw a drink in the owner’s face, stole five pounds of ink, and left.That man in the photograph is not the owner � Rex Mills has�Press Operators.

I will kidnap him as soon as my taser gun arrives in the mail.

October 21, 2012
But Wait, There’s More!

Bears have it best � fattening up and slipping into their Wintertime coma. I sit here, like a fool, planning my Wintertime Wardrobe � if I never had to shower, I would wear my neck to ankle long-underwear uninterrupted.

I have Faith that Winter will eventually turn to Spring.

In Spring, I will tear off my layers of long-underwear. I will bury my Smartwool in the backyard. I will shun my calf-length coat like an old boyfriend.�(I can’t believe I was with YOU!!)

In Spring, kids graduate from educational institutions. And because I am a Giver, I give you these:�New graduation cards.�Don’t be like, “Why are you thinking about graduation in October?”

Just accept the greeting card calendar. ACCEPT IT.

October 15, 2012
MakeReady-Or-Not

How To Play:

Witch

��Using a neighborhood approved selection method (engine, engine #9 � bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, etc.) select�The Witch.

��Use the same method to select a�Guinea Pig.

��The remaining players are�Runners.

� The Witch�leads The Guinea Pig�away. (This should be terrifying.) The Witch hides�The Guinea Pig��not on the garage roof. (This might be tempting. Don’t do it.)

� The Witch�gives (verbally) a list of tasks to�The Guinea Pig ��things like:�A)�Run around the house three times singing�The Happy Birthday Song.�B)�Dig a hole, bury one June Bug in it.�C)�Fill a hat with decorative rocks from the neighbor’s garden, etc.

��At this point,�The Witch�must call out “ready-or-not!” from wherever he/she is waiting/hiding.

��The “tasks” given to the�The Guinea Pig�are meant to lure the�Runners�off their safe-base and into the waiting/hiding clutches of�The Witch�while searching for the hidden�Guinea Pig.

��When/if any�Runners�are caught by�The Witch,�he or she�turns them into�Another Guinea Pig.�Meaning: They are hidden and given a�new�list of tasks for�The Runners�to complete.

��When tasks are completed for a particular�Pig,�a�Runner�must free them by tagging.�The Guinea Pig�must run to the safe-base without being caught by�The Witch.

��If�The Runners�successfully�free�The Guinea Pig(s),�they win the game.

� If�The Witch�catches all of�The Runners, she/he wins the game.

* If someone wets their pants during course of play, a “time-out” should be called and fresh pants should replace wet pants.

————-

In a bold (not really) and unprecedented (true) move, Zeichen Press will be offereing box sets of greeting cards that are�not�letterpress printed.

Hold your applause until the end.

We call this our�Makeready Collection.

Why?

Letterpress printers (like us) need to test placement, packing, and color when printing something new. The same old piece of paper is printed on over and over again, resulting in an odd (and might I add, paranormal?) mishmash of goodness.

Our�Makeready Collection�imitates this letterpress printing practice using a computer and�some other kind of printing. (Offset)

Here are the three designs: (Available for The New Year)

October 13, 2012
Your Marriage vs. The Zombie Apocalypse

I’m not a lawyer or a scientist but I understand the importance of writing marital vows that contain language relating to soulless corpses.

I know it’s not�Zombie Season�because the weather is cooler and I know the weather is cooler because the maggots in the garbage bin magically disappeared. The rash of zombie activity this Summer has inspired me to rewrite my vows � I simply cannot have my husband strip naked and eat my face on the turnpike.

Give this card to newlyweds or oldyweds:

October 7, 2012