Zeichen Press – Page 23 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Craftstravaganza Review/Doppelganger Evidence

The day began with a single, tissue-wrapped banana-lovingly prepared by the�May Day Cafe.

It’s all about the details.

From there it was a regular thrill-ride down 35W. Sometimes when Jen drives, I close my eyes and scream The Lord’s Prayer. Jen tries to shut me up by stuffing buttermilk scones in my mouth. I do a lot of praying when Jen’s around.�Dear God, please help me not to crush Jen’s toes with a case full of lead type.

The Craftstravaganza was more fun than usual. Everything is more fun with darts. We sold lots of�stuff, here’s Jen practicing her smile:

After I took this photo, I backed into Pevenshire Wiffynuts.

Needless to say, my mind was blown. With barely a moment to recover, Two Bald Men came to our table. I fainted and hit my head. To wake me up, Jen threw a cup of hot coffee at my face. She should be a nurse.

May 3, 2009
Oh, sweet affirmation!

Jennifer Sbranti IS the Hostess With The Mostess.

That’s a fact. If I lived in San Diego I would crash her parties, she would be like, “WHAT?! YOU again? Take off that wig and crawl back under the gate.” She wrote a little something about Zeichen Press on her blog today. To thank her, I am writing a book entitled, 1001 Ways to thank Jennifer Sbranti.

Is that weird?

May 1, 2009
Celine Dion at the Craftstravaganza!!!

I’m totally kidding. Wouldn’t that be awesome though? I was picturing her at Bergan’s Grocery Store this morning… standing with her microphone – �between the Rug Doctor Rentals and the helium balloons… Singing like it’s a Saturday Night in Vegas. Oh, Celine! Shopping would be a pleasure with your angelic voice wafting through the air, mingling with deli-smells – My heart would go on.

The Craftstravaganza?�Right. We will be there with 55 of our closest crafting friends. When I say, “crafting”�don’t think about toilet paper cozies, kleenex box cozies, toaster cozies, and toilet brush cozies. Don’t. I’m not judging the ladies that make things cozy, I’m just wondering why everything needs to be so cozy. Okay, DO think about hand-made goods. GOODS. I’d even call them hand-made greats. See how I am? See how I roll? You know it.

Going to the State Fair Grounds off-season is like bumping into your teacher at your dentist’s office. What the hell are YOU doing here?! You’re not supposed to leave school! Your teeth aren’t real!!

See you on Saturday my Best Beloved. Bring your wallet. And your mom.

April 25, 2009
Creek-Bike & Room & Board

The ice on the creek melted and it was time, again, for the Creek-Garbage-Opener! Our tackle box contained exactly two things: a giant hook (the Kitchen-Aid-bread-dough-attachment) and 50 feet of obsolete ethernet cable. �The catch-of-the-day was larger than usual and after �a nail-biting struggle, this was pulled �out:

It smells like death but it’s ours.�

What does any of this have to do with Room & Board?

Ugh. It’s so obvious.�

So anyway, we gave our prints to Room and Board and we’re waiting to hear what the President & Vice President think. Personally, I don’t think they really needed to take it to that level. Obama is a busy fellow. Here are a couple things they liked:

April 17, 2009
Must…write…more…cards………………

There seems to be something gnawing on the chicken-bone of my subconscious.�Not just gnawing, but dipping it in creamy, blu-cheese dressing and sucking on it.

Thank goodness for the�wet-nap, or whatever is doing the gnawing would contaminate the rest of my psyche. I like my non-physical parts to be separate. Like a melamine hot-lunch tray. Everything stays within it’s little-walled-area and nobody gets fussy.

Unfortunately, or maybe not, there does seem to be some breach in the Dreaming ~ Day Dreaming compartments. Sandbagging might help. Or a thick, mashed-potato partition – the mashed potatoes finally living up to their destiny.

Great writers are great ruminators but great ruminators are not necessarily great writers. I think that’s what I’m talking about. Or was I talking about my days in the cafeteria? Ah, the cafeteria…“Lunch Lady? Would you mind being careful to keep the gravy in its… No? Yes, you’re right. It all ends up in the same place…”��In the toilet. Which is, of course, a metaphor. That’s what happens when you give children mixed-messages.

So, anyway. I have a growing collection of�printer’s cuts�and for some reason I feel compelled to give each of them something to say. I realize that the�New Yorker’s�Caption Contest�is eerily similar to what I do. Except I always win. That’s the nice thing about owning the company.�Thatand the hugs I get from complete strangers. Why do strangers hug me? They might be trying to squeeze the life out of me. I’m not sure. They tell me not to resist – I’m always like,�”Resist? Resist what? Who am I to stifle this bizarre act of love?”

Where was I? … Right. A line I wrote for a lonely cut:

PSSST,

are you coming to my funeral?

April 11, 2009
Franimals: A-Z!!

Should a grown woman spend the day in bed drawing animals?

No? What if the animals are super-cute and made entirely of her favorite font? What if the woman was very ill, clinging to life by a bed-thread? What if… what if… oh, what if… oh, my bed-sores… Without further ado, Franimals:

A-J Franimals were originally designed for Room & Board. Sadly, they were overlooked. Apparently kids today aren’t interested in “animals” or “alphabets” That’s not Room & Board’s fault. Or…is…it?

ANYWAY,�I love Room & Board. Sometimes I break into their showroom and rehearse scenes from Failure to Launch starring Mr. Matthew McConaughey.

Matthew! Your mischievous smile… your love for Mother Earth… your shirtless-ness…

What am I talking about? Oh, yes. My fever. It’s very high and I wouldn’t turn down a copy of Erin Brockovich and some German Spaetzel.

April 9, 2009

Man vs. Himself

I was once one of them � an innocent amusement park customer. I looked down at them now, from the highest man-made point in Shakopee, Minnesota.�I sighed and listened to the�chug-chug-chugging�from beneath our coaster � our lives depended on the integrity of a giant bicycle chain.�Our open-casket hesitated for just a moment at the tippy-top of the steel summit � hesitated just enough for me to grasp the inevitable free-fall.�And as we plummeted to our possible deaths, I screamed.

And wet my pants.

The End

How old was she?

Don’t judge me.

Obviously,�I wasn’t born riding a roller coaster,�I was born screaming. And wetting my pants.

*Hint: this photograph was taken close to the time of the event and **Double Hint: I’m not the baby.Speaking of literary themes, there is a lot (not really) to dissect in this new (Holiday/Winter Season?) card:

November 24, 2012
Countdown To Countdown

The newspaper is delivered to our doorstep each morning (by horse and buggy) and I comb through it � if I find a particularly odd/sad/absurd story, I read it aloud to whomever (the dog) is nearby.

Here is an abbreviated digest of the only (two) articles I remember from the past (two) months:�(In alphabetical order)

1) Stratosphere jump by daredevil, Felix Baumgartner:�In an attempt to break the world record, Felix jumped from a capsule suspended 23 miles above Roswell, New Mexico.

I plan on breaking�that�record when I get tired of this whole letterpress thing.

2) Talking elephant in South Korea loves Zeichen Press.�Strange but true.

Crazy?! I know! Koshik’s trainer must $*#%-love Zeichen Press.

Enough time-wasting.

Here is a new Christmas card (available�NEXT�Christmas. Sorry).

November 17, 2012
Winter Preview

The Winter Walk Home from school included two memorable rituals: Dipping our un-mittened hands in 25� Tom Thumb coffee�(how old IS she?)�and passing by a very high retaining wall.

The wall held up the yard of our enemies: Two freckle-faced, red-headed brothers. These boys went to a�Public School�and as if that isn’t bad enough, they took great pleasure in tormenting me.

I will remind you that�this�is what I looked like:

Why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?

Armed with boulders of snow, poised-and-ready atop the wall � they would wait. Down Vincent Avenue I trudged: snow-pants under my plaid skirt, grease-covered hand-me-down coat, knit cap with sheepskin earflaps.

Again, why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?

I won’t tell you the ending.

We had a dusting of snow the other day but I knew better than to break out the snow-pants and knit cap. It was merely a teaser, a preview, an appetizer, an AMUSE-GUEULE.

Speaking of snow,�here’s a new card:�

November 14, 2012
Winternship� & Skin Suits

Zeichen Press has never had a Wintertime Intern.

Until now.

I expect the new “intern” to make me laugh.�It’s an important job.�She also claims she will sort type and organize cards but we’ll see. WE’LL SEE.

In other news:�I made ANOTHER�Thinking Of You�card. I thought and thought about what sort of message I’d like to receive if I were down-in-the-dumps, and I came up with this:My sister wanted me to show�The-Softer-Side-Of-Fran, but all I could think of was Marshmallow Fluff� and then I just wanted to sit on the beach and pull hermit crabs out of their shells.

What is wrong with me?

November 8, 2012
Snail Mail : Our Bread & Butter

There has been an ethical debate raging regarding snail shell art. Some feel that humans have the right to decorate the shells of�living snails.

Where do I stand?�The following new birthday card reveals my feelings on this sensitive subject:Please respect my freedom of speech.

Speaking of�freedom: Come down to�Foiled Again�on Saturday night for some�free�wine. While you’re there, you could buy some of our cards!

Two birds! One stone!

November 1, 2012
Insomnia and the Woolly Mammoth

I can’t wait until scientists clone the Woolly Mammoth.

Some might call it reckless curiosity, I call it Vegas-style science. Implanting salvaged Woolly Mammoth nuclei into an unsuspecting Asian Elephant sounds safe to me ��what could happen?�

Meanwhile,�I lay awake�and�imagine receiving (or not receiving) a baby Woolly Mammoth as a gift.�

October 27, 2012
I’ve Never Been To Paris

But I�did�take French in high school so I know all about magnetephones, l’autobus, et la lunettes pour Luc.

For the foreseeable future, I will stay within a 30 mile radius of the Zeichen Press headquarters and dream of faraway lands.Feeling the need for a Field Trip, I went to the Other Side Of Minneapolis and visited�Rex Mills. I walked through the front door, broke the tenth commandment,�(You shall not covet�- geez, get your mind out of the gutter)�pretended I had something in my eye, snapped some photos, threw a drink in the owner’s face, stole five pounds of ink, and left.That man in the photograph is not the owner � Rex Mills has�Press Operators.

I will kidnap him as soon as my taser gun arrives in the mail.

October 21, 2012
But Wait, There’s More!

Bears have it best � fattening up and slipping into their Wintertime coma. I sit here, like a fool, planning my Wintertime Wardrobe � if I never had to shower, I would wear my neck to ankle long-underwear uninterrupted.

I have Faith that Winter will eventually turn to Spring.

In Spring, I will tear off my layers of long-underwear. I will bury my Smartwool in the backyard. I will shun my calf-length coat like an old boyfriend.�(I can’t believe I was with YOU!!)

In Spring, kids graduate from educational institutions. And because I am a Giver, I give you these:�New graduation cards.�Don’t be like, “Why are you thinking about graduation in October?”

Just accept the greeting card calendar. ACCEPT IT.

October 15, 2012
MakeReady-Or-Not

How To Play:

Witch

��Using a neighborhood approved selection method (engine, engine #9 � bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, etc.) select�The Witch.

��Use the same method to select a�Guinea Pig.

��The remaining players are�Runners.

� The Witch�leads The Guinea Pig�away. (This should be terrifying.) The Witch hides�The Guinea Pig��not on the garage roof. (This might be tempting. Don’t do it.)

� The Witch�gives (verbally) a list of tasks to�The Guinea Pig ��things like:�A)�Run around the house three times singing�The Happy Birthday Song.�B)�Dig a hole, bury one June Bug in it.�C)�Fill a hat with decorative rocks from the neighbor’s garden, etc.

��At this point,�The Witch�must call out “ready-or-not!” from wherever he/she is waiting/hiding.

��The “tasks” given to the�The Guinea Pig�are meant to lure the�Runners�off their safe-base and into the waiting/hiding clutches of�The Witch�while searching for the hidden�Guinea Pig.

��When/if any�Runners�are caught by�The Witch,�he or she�turns them into�Another Guinea Pig.�Meaning: They are hidden and given a�new�list of tasks for�The Runners�to complete.

��When tasks are completed for a particular�Pig,�a�Runner�must free them by tagging.�The Guinea Pig�must run to the safe-base without being caught by�The Witch.

��If�The Runners�successfully�free�The Guinea Pig(s),�they win the game.

� If�The Witch�catches all of�The Runners, she/he wins the game.

* If someone wets their pants during course of play, a “time-out” should be called and fresh pants should replace wet pants.

————-

In a bold (not really) and unprecedented (true) move, Zeichen Press will be offereing box sets of greeting cards that are�not�letterpress printed.

Hold your applause until the end.

We call this our�Makeready Collection.

Why?

Letterpress printers (like us) need to test placement, packing, and color when printing something new. The same old piece of paper is printed on over and over again, resulting in an odd (and might I add, paranormal?) mishmash of goodness.

Our�Makeready Collection�imitates this letterpress printing practice using a computer and�some other kind of printing. (Offset)

Here are the three designs: (Available for The New Year)

October 13, 2012
Your Marriage vs. The Zombie Apocalypse

I’m not a lawyer or a scientist but I understand the importance of writing marital vows that contain language relating to soulless corpses.

I know it’s not�Zombie Season�because the weather is cooler and I know the weather is cooler because the maggots in the garbage bin magically disappeared. The rash of zombie activity this Summer has inspired me to rewrite my vows � I simply cannot have my husband strip naked and eat my face on the turnpike.

Give this card to newlyweds or oldyweds:

October 7, 2012