• MakeReady-Or-Not

    How To Play:

    Witch

    • Using a neighborhood approved selection method (engine, engine #9 — bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, etc.) select The Witch.

    • Use the same method to select a Guinea Pig.

    • The remaining players are Runners.

    • The Witch leads The Guinea Pig away. (This should be terrifying.) The Witch hides The Guinea Pig — not on the garage roof. (This might be tempting. Don’t do it.)

    • The Witch gives (verbally) a list of tasks to The Guinea Pig — things like: A) Run around the house three times singing The Happy Birthday Song. B) Dig a hole, bury one June Bug in it. C) Fill a hat with decorative rocks from the neighbor’s garden, etc.

    • At this point, The Witch must call out “ready-or-not!” from wherever he/she is waiting/hiding.

    • The “tasks” given to the The Guinea Pig are meant to lure the Runners off their safe-base and into the waiting/hiding clutches of The Witch while searching for the hidden Guinea Pig.

    • When/if any Runners are caught by The Witch, he or she turns them into Another Guinea Pig. Meaning: They are hidden and given a new list of tasks for The Runners to complete.

    • When tasks are completed for a particular Pig, a Runner must free them by tagging. The Guinea Pig must run to the safe-base without being caught by The Witch.

    • If The Runners successfully free The Guinea Pig(s), they win the game.

    • If The Witch catches all of The Runners, she/he wins the game.

    * If someone wets their pants during course of play, a “time-out” should be called and fresh pants should replace wet pants.

    ————-

    In a bold (not really) and unprecedented (true) move, Zeichen Press will be offereing box sets of greeting cards that are not letterpress printed.

    Hold your applause until the end.

    We call this our Makeready Collection.

    Why?

    Letterpress printers (like us) need to test placement, packing, and color when printing something new. The same old piece of paper is printed on over and over again, resulting in an odd (and might I add, paranormal?) mishmash of goodness.

    Our Makeready Collection imitates this letterpress printing practice using a computer and some other kind of printing. (Offset)

    Here are the three designs: (Available for The New Year)bonnie-makeready-birthday-grab-blog-no-line bonnie-makeready-everyday-illus-grab bonnie-makeready-holiday-grab

    October 13, 2012
  • Your Marriage vs. The Zombie Apocalypse

    I’m not a lawyer or a scientist but I understand the importance of writing marital vows that contain language relating to soulless corpses.

    I know it’s not Zombie Season because the weather is cooler and I know the weather is cooler because the maggots in the garbage bin magically disappeared. The rash of zombie activity this Summer has inspired me to rewrite my vows — I simply cannot have my husband strip naked and eat my face on the turnpike.

    Give this card to newlyweds or oldyweds:till-undeath

    October 7, 2012
  • Mating Tips

    The only way to find out if you’re truly compatible with another is to spend a year together aboard a Portuguese fishing vessel.

    Unfortunately, that’s not always an option. Don’t spend another minute agonizing!

    Forget the touchy-feely Relationships aisle at Barnes & Noble or (gasp) your local library! Forget the $120/hour couples counselor! Forget mind-reading, unmet expectations, behavior prediction!

    Zeichen Press has created a $4.00 cheat sheet! love-means-green-revisedCollect them all (there’s only one) and store them safely in a polished mahogany box. Tabulated by topics, like: Division-of-Labor, Apology, and so much more!

    *A Mating Tip Card and a BB gun make the perfect wedding gift.

    October 3, 2012
  • Neglected Category

    My retirement plans are needy and demand an Airstream Trailercropped-airstream-trailer

    and a plot of land in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee — as close as possible to Dollywood.

    That would be fine as cream gravy.

    Yes, retirement — everyone does it differently. Some like to join communities in Arizona and some like to hoard cats. Hoard cats until one day they have a stroke, can’t get to the phone, die of starvation, and their beloved pets eat their face.

    But everyone is so different! And as my Grandma Shea used to say, “It takes all kinds.”

    So wise.retiring

    September 26, 2012
  • A Loon Call For Garrison Keillor And Hat Made of Money

    When I heard Jen was participating in the Loon Call Contest at the Prairie Home Companion Street Party, I said a quick prayer to Saint Genesius.

    I can’t believe she didn’t win. 

    Earlier that day, this angel—dressed in plain clothes—was spotted:money-hat

    If I wore a hat made of money, I’d have a faraway look in my eye, too.

    September 22, 2012
  • Eating My Weight In Vegetables

    Did you know that the Arboretum has a pick-your-own vegetable garden? The signs were more intuitive than posted.smuggling-vegetables

    My latest health craze (the last one turned out not to be a “health” craze) promises an upward trajectory of boundless energy and crisply firing synapses. Kale, spinach, green chard, cucumber, celery, lemon, parsley, and apple in one glass.

    In one glass.

    I’ve learned that a bagful of smuggled kale equals one thimbleful of juice.

    One thimbleful.

    I wonder how many ounces I would be if I were juiced. Note to self: Juicing bodies would make them easier to flush down toilet.

    Look at these beautiful Dahlias and forget everything I just said:anenome-dahliasunburt-dahliaWeren’t those lovely?

    All of the flowers and vegetables inspired a Father’s Day card:papa-grayer

    September 14, 2012
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  • J’Accuse!

    My mind wandered as I listened to the Second Reading. I wondered if I could get my hands on a chocolate milk for lunch. I watched the third graders fidget. I planned my fishing-themed diorama. …Children, let us love not in word or speech but in deed and truth… I figured out what the initials TGIF stood for — oh, that makes sense! …I felt something crawl up my uniform blouse. 

    I felt something crawl up my uniform blouse! Or did I? The question went unanswered because, like Abraham Lincoln in the balcony of Ford’s Theater, I’d been shot. Most likely, an assassination plot carried out by those boys that dumped Mountain Dew on my head last week. Oh, the pain! I signaled my teacher and was escorted to the nurses office by a girl that needed a hero badge to add to her girl scout sash.

    The nurses office was familiar to me. Homesickness was an ailment I suffered from semi-regularly.

    When I staggered through the door, the nurse stopped her mimeographing and looked at me. I pointed to my gunshot wound — nearish my right armpit but closer to a more embarrassing region. She lifted up my blouse. I stared at the poster on the wall.hang-in-there-poster-1970shang-in-there-new

     

    Yes, kitten. I will hang in there.

    It turned out not to be a bullet lodged in my ribcage, but a bee sting.

    In honor of that important event, I created my own Hang in There! card. Do not accuse me of ripping off the original, it is an homage. An HOMAGE.

    May 7, 2012
  • Carpe Matris Diem!

    I think that means Seize Mother’s Day. But maybe not – I am really only fluent in Pig-Latin.

    As far as I know, we all have mothers. I don’t think Science has done away with that yet. And I’m going to boldly state that the majority of readers of the Is That Funny blog love their mothers. Why? My research shows that people who $*#%-ing love Zeichen Press also $*#%-ing love their mothers. My research involved a picture-day slideshow and ham salad sandwiches. Also, $50 bills stuffed in a pińata. It was unorthodox but revealing.

    You still have time to order a Mother’s Day card (and a card for your Mother-In-Law, dear God, DO NOT FORGET HER) from the shop! We will ship it to you so you have time to send (or give) it to mom.

    But, don’t let me tell you what to do. I mean, if you don’t want to celebrate your mom (OR mother-in-law!) on this one day of the year, that’s your decision. I’m sure she won’t be hurt at all. It will never be brought up again.silly-old-daychronic-condition-2eating-her-youngmomb-you-are-the-bomb

    May 4, 2012
  • Once Upon A Time

    Once Upon A Time, there lived a woman who tried and tried to cram a live chicken into a cooking pot. The chicken would not oblige and finally the woman had to accept the notion that live chickens will never submit to such unnatural behavior. Rather than chop off the chicken’s head, they became companions and live in an abandoned mine shaft. The End

    I have dozens of stories like that, just waiting to be published. That reminds me: I was trying really, really hard to write a Father’s Day card. This is what I came up with:papa-bear-goldilocks

    May 1, 2012
  • Copyright Compliance

    At brunch, George Lucas asked me to write a Father’s Day card that suggests a theme from the Star Wars Trilogy but warned me not to use any of the Star Wars imagery. It was a strange request but I accepted the challenge and after tossing back our mimosas, we arm-wrestled and I made this:luke-i-am-your-father

    April 28, 2012
  • Spanking Machine

    A strange custom:

    One child crawls through a tunnel made of other children — the crawling child is spanked on the bottom by each participant. The spankers laugh hysterically.

    The concept of automated and industrial scale corporal punishment originated in 19th century Russia.

    It’s true!

    I’ll spare you the details. Let’s just say that the concept has evolved from judicial whipping of peasants to tunnels of birthday abuse for today’s schoolchildren.

    A good friend of mine turned XX (not Roman numerals) and she has such fond memories of the Spanking Machine!

    I made her a card:small-spanking-layoutsmall-birthday-spankings

    April 24, 2012
  • Yoohoo! Alexis Stewart!

    I’m over here! No… HERE! The one waving her arms and jumping up and down! …The one wearing the poncho and helmet! 

    She must not see me.

    alexis-stewart

    She did mention Zeichen Press on her blog. And she did buy cards from our online shop. I thought that meant she wanted to hang out and talk about black bean chili with butternut squash and swiss chard?

    You can totally call me, Alexis!

    April 18, 2012
  • Six Lives Left and the Fifth Commandment

    Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure. She longed for danger.

    Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony. balcony-4504Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):

    judy-tailThat’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me, “degloved.” We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.

    Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.judy-gets-a-bathMeow!

    Poor Judy, only six lives left. Use them wisely.

    Judy happens to be my mother’s name and so this is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:escaped-from-prisonAnd just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card:work-it-dad

    April 17, 2012
  • ACTUAL Cards With Real Healing Powers

    Step right up, step right up!

    It’s here, a cure for all that ails! Do you suffer from one (or more) of the following complications?:

    Bumpy skin?
    Webbed toes?
    Nagging wife?

    No? How about?:

    Limp tongue?

    Rotting scalp?

    Too many fingers?

    Fear not! Just one purchase of a Zeichen Press letterpress greeting card will set you on the proper path to wellness!

    (The following photographs are guaranteed to cure any inflammation:)oldcrab-smaller-forgot-birthdaythanksss-smaller hugh-smaller freaktastic-smaller fatgratitude-smaller facebookbd-smaller chicken-smaller beast-smaller

    April 13, 2012
  • Merry Franmas!!

    I tell my kids that I don’t want anything for my birthday. I tell them that I have everything I need.

    But I’m lying.

    The truth is, I need the following items:pacman-tv-tray

    Using Ouija Board --- Image by © Bettmann/CORBIS

    sony-walkman

    Wait, I needed them in 1984. Never mind. But they would come in handy now. Especially that “waterproof” walkman. (It’s not, I repeat: NOT waterproof). Also, (for the record) that Ouija Board (why was Parker Bros. into the occult?) didn’t even work. It was merely the hors d’oeuvre for the Slumber Party Game: Light As a Feather/Stiff As a Board. Um, if I caught my daughter and her friends playing that game, I’d be like, I GET TO TELL THE STORY AND CUT THE PRETEND HOLE IN THE FOREHEAD AND FILL IT WITH SAND.

    Oh, I wouldn’t… I’d be more like, YOU GIRLS GET TO BED, ENOUGH OF YOUR WITCHCRAFT.

    ALSO, that PacMan tray should only be used for craft projects. Never for food in bed. NEVER FOR FOOD IN BED.

    Hmm, I guess I really don’t need anything.

    PS: Thanks mom, for life!

    PPS: Don’t worry, this is not a Holy Day of Obligation.omgur4t

    April 12, 2012
  • Should You Be Afraid of a Cash Mob?

    No.

    Normally, mobs carry pitchforks and torches but Cash Mobs are different.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5zUAnIaD4I

    How?

    Cash Mobs are a happy sort and their motivation has nothing to do with drawing or quartering. Cash Mobs support local businesses by encouraging shoppers to spend $20 at an independent boutique on a designated day.shop-local-tag-image

    Isn’t this a beautiful and simple concept? I promise it won’t turn into a Black Friday Walmart thing. Leave your pepper spray at home. 

    i like you is next on the list. (Saturday, April 14.) Have you ever been?! You will be reduced to a giggling mess.

    Just step over the girls.

    sarah-angela-on-the-grass-2

    April 12, 2012
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