Zeichen Press – Page 30 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Where’s my unpaid intern?

WHERE??? If I have to work on this�catalog layout for�10 more seconds I’m going to quit my job. I will instantly rehire myself just so I can quit again. This could go on for days. Of COURSE I couldn’t just work with the catalog copy �in Adobe InDesign – I HAD to use a WWII era typewriter. A Smith-Corona Skyriter to type in each individual bit of information about all 100 products.�What is wrong with me?

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I actually�cheated�in “keyboarding I AND II” in high school. Don’t ask me how. DON’T ASK ME.�

Jen is just dying to say, “I told you so.” Just shut up, Jen. Why must �you take the place of my underdeveloped sensibilities?

January 8, 2009
Waist-deep snow

Day Two. ��Snow fell through the night and drifted into the passage. The women and children are weaker today. Kenneth is ailing and must be dragged on a make-shift sledge. Robert appears to be delusional and only can speak of thick-cut bacon and death metal. The dogs are starting to look delicious, especially the fluffy one. We are, most certainly, in a predicament.

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Um, here’s a new card – inspired by the men, women, and children that ventured West .

The Donner (Birthday) Party

January 4, 2009
I’ll tell you what

Uh. December is, like, over. I don’t even care. Good riddance you ungrateful pig. You think you’re so great with your Christmas and your Hanukkah and your Britney Spears’ birthday. I’ve had it. I think we all have. Even with all of these Feast Days I managed to squeeze in our long-awaited catalog creation. And don’t think I forgot about my�25-birthday-cards. Self-imposed deadlines are the only way to get anything done. You know what else works? Pretending someone is going to kill you if you don’t get something done. SO, I scrounged up some images and wrote some lines. Yeah, yeah – I’ve not set the type or done layouts or pulled any proofs – mere formalities. And anyway, my shop elves will do it while I’m ringing in the New Year in lovely Brainerd, Minnesota. Here are a few images/lines – they’ll be 15% funnier after I’ve had my way with them. And another thing: they’re not all birthday cards. I’m not some sort of one-trick pony.

You make this, you live.

Good luck.

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Shhhh. Nobody’ll even notice us.

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Eh? What’s that? Whose birthday? Who are you? Get out of my room.

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��Happy Birthday, you tool.

…and in conclusion – quit calling me a pussy.

Sincerely,

Pevenshire Wiffynuts

x=get me the f*ck out of here.

Congratulations.

I said, CONGRATULATIONS!

If you’re old enough to remember this game
you are probably sitting in your own urine.

Thanks for coming to my birthday party, my tiny friends.

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Alright, that’ll do. I’ll post more after the elves work it out. Oh, and if you see a woman running around Brainerd in giant underpants and Sorel Boots it’s not me. Happy New Year!!!

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December 31, 2008
No-Coast and a stock pot

Good Lord, what a day! I got up at the crack o’ eight – Jen picked me up and brought me to the MidTown Market to hawk our goods. It was the No-Coast Craft-o-Rama! We were pretty much SiameseTwins – due to my crippling Math Anxiety, I can’t be left alone to make change for a twenty. I welcome your prayers. I smiled lots and said, “four�dollars” or “five�dollars” whenever I felt like it. Sometimes it was in response to a customer’s question. Here are some customers: notice their intense cheerfulness:

I did manage to step away from our table to find a crinkly cat bag for My Mother-in-Law. She’s gonna frickin’ love it. Those cats are gonna thank me by walking by me and not noticing I exist. It’ll be one awesome Christmas.

…Fast forward, like, eight hours and I found myself at a delightful Holiday Party. I think it was in Plymouth. Anyway, the halls were decked, the booze was flowing. The booze was flowing. In retrospect, I don’t think it all wanted to be in�my�body. I’m not sure why, at the time, I thought it did want to be in there. And honestly, there wasn’t a lot of �room, what with all the�spanakopita�. I was planning on giving it all up in a stock pot that Katie generously donated to the car. I felt the love. I did make it home, with a clean stock pot, and Kenny dumped me into bed. He was like a hunter and I was like a deer carcass. The bed was the pick-up truck. It was so much fun. I dragged my sorry arse out of bed this morning to for churching. The stock pot is a symbol of one woman’s redemption. So much can happen in a day.

PS: Did you know that 80’s glasses are back in style?? You crazy kids!

December 7, 2008
SO. MANY. WORDS.

Three 10″x15″ iron chases locked up with�Touchpoint�Buzzwords. Buzzwords and some other random cuts from the ZP collection – including a chunk from a newspaper insert advertising handy items for the ladies: A rubber-lined shopping bag available in gay plaids, a multi-tiered clothes hanger, a cap to protect the hairdo. What I wouldn’t give to have those items. My drab, rain-soaked groceries… My closet, crammed full! How could I be hanging my clothes on ONE plane? My hair, My God, my hair… I don’t even know where to start. I get a “do” and leave it�completely�unprotected. It’s like I don’t even care! Oh. Back to the Touchpoint Holiday Card/Disc Sleeve. It’s super sweet:

December 3, 2008
SO. MANY. WORDS.

�Three 10″x15″ iron chases locked up with Touchpoint Buzzwords. Buzzwords and some other random cuts from the ZP collection – including a chunk from a newspaper insert advertising handy items for the ladies: A rubber-lined shopping bag available in gay plaids, a multi-tiered clothes hanger, a cap to protect the hairdo.

What I wouldn’t give to have those items. My drab, rain-soaked groceries… My closet, crammed full! How could I be hanging my clothes on ONE plane? My hair, My God, my hair… I don’t even know where to start. I get a “do” and leave it completely unprotected. It’s like I don’t even care!

Oh. Back to the Touchpoint Holiday Card/Disc Sleeve. It’ super sweet:

Touchpoint Cd Sleeve

Touchpoint Cd Sleeve

Touchpoint Cd Sleeve

Touchpoint Cd Sleeve

December 3, 2008

Eyes on the Prize (Having Wonkavision)

The�New York International Gift Fair�(NYIGF) wrapped up (sans blizzard). I wasn’t there (I never am) but it must have been a huge success because our rep is faxing orders to us

faster than we can pull them.

Fax machines work just like Wonkavision and every day I hope to find a chocolate bar instead of an order.�But for now,�I must be satisfied with ink on paper.

February 6, 2012
Perspective, Passive Aggression, and Printing

I complain about January, but secretly, I love it. In January, my skin returns to its natural pasty-white color. I know this because I disrobe weekly for a quick shower and pat myself down with a damp towel. That’s not true, I also see my bare legs as I change from my pajama pants to my less-pajama-ish pants.

But enough about my enchanting facade, onto the chewy nougat:

Jen has almost finished printing the cards for our March Release.I can’t wait for her to be finished because then we can get back to all of our gabbing.

While I am forced to sit quietly with my own thoughts, I decided to be productive � I made two new cards: Guess which one will become an uncategorized orphan:

January 29, 2012
Midwinter Night’s Dream

Jen is printing the new cards for the March release and I have decided to wear the off-brand Forever Lazy suit until April 1.

The following is a dramatization of me wearing the suit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4P1GEgYk9qM

January 24, 2012
I’m, Like, a Pretty Big Deal

But I don’t need to tell you that.

Sometimes it’s hard to stay humble. Luckily, humility is one of my greatest traits. That, and my perfect attitude and face make it difficult for everyone around me to go about their average lives.

Wait, let me throw down a little manna:

January 16, 2012
A Pigeon in My Flashing (and Other Bedtime Stories)

When Nature and Civilization collide it sounds just like stirring twelve tin cans in the bathtub with a golf club. This sound, combined with another sound�the sound of a pair of teeny-tiny hands strangling a pigeon.

I laid in bed for 1…2…3…4…5 hours and listened to, what I concluded was, a pigeon trapped behind the flashing on my house.

A squirrel met its maker (Bruce Hornsby) that same way last Summer. But not before it spent several days running itself to death. Was the pigeon luckier? It shivered in the cold until shortly before dawn. Like�the Little Match Girl, it shivered to death, clutching a clawful of burnt matches.

We have a client that needs graphics for its trucks so while I listened to the pathetic cries of the dying pigeon, I thought about that.

It was a productive night.

January 14, 2012
OMGUR4T

A surprise birthday party is 1,000% more fun than a regular birthday party. The planners plan for weeks – sending out secret invitations:

Unearthing senior photos to print on drink coasters:

And finally the moment arrives!

January 9, 2012
In January It’s So Nice

Hello, January. I hate you. Not as much as February, but I still hate you. I tell my children that you are full of fun and possibilities but I am lying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NOJIYe6qoI

Perhaps this card captures my true feelings:

January 7, 2012
Tribulation Consolation

Sometimes (not very often)�I find myself at a loss for words. Speechless. Struck dumb by powerful emotion.�“I’m stunned. I mean, I’m in a state of… somebody should just throw a blanket over me, you know?” – Woody Allen (Manhattan)

Sometimes an empathy card is better than a sympathy card.

Sometimes a bear playing violin says it all.

January 1, 2012
Taking (A Fearless Moral) Inventory

Jen told me that she is learning to master Quickbooks. I trust her.

I bet that the Quickbooks tutorial requires puzzle completion before you really get into the meat of the application�just to make sure the user is nimble-minded.

The New Year is upon us and to celebrate I stood on a chair, my head surrounded by asbestos wrapped pipes, and counted envelopes.Jen said this was called�taking inventory�and while I am familiar with this as a spiritual concept, with a priest and�confessional�handy, I was easily distracted because the priest and confessional were replaced by the dog and a bin of Bazooka bubble gum.These items were not on Jen’s listbut I think that was a potentially expensive oversight. Just to be on the safe side, I counted one dog named Millie and 34 pieces of Bazooka.

You’re welcome, Jen.�

December 31, 2011
Fortune Teller, Tell My Fortune

Winter has been creeping in like a gas leak and I am always pleasantly surprised to find myself awake in the morning.�

“That’s nice.”�I say, as I stretch and crawl off my sofa-bed.�Never one to miss nuance, I wonder why I’m not in my own bed.

Good design sometimes requires getting into character – I’ve been dressing like a gypsy (not showering) for our latest�Tanek�project. A paper fortune teller is easier to mail than a crystal ball and some might argue – more accurate. Tanek will send 300 of these out to their dearest friends – I only hope they take the responsibility of predicting the future seriously:

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December 21, 2011