• Minnehahahahahahahaha Creek

    “What street is this??” I yelled up to the boy watching us float past him. He told me that we were just about to enter the Ninth Circle of Hell.

    PHEW! Almost done!

    Three hours to travel 2.5 miles… Could we have walked faster than the creek carried us? Oh, THAT’S the point my kids were making when they got out of their tubes and dragged them the last four blocks! Oh, kids! So subtle!

    I didn’t get a photograph of them on our adventure, BUT a giant spider landed on my belly! AND who needs a picture of all three when one of them modeled for the company that made our tubes?

    river run tube w dylans head.2(Grip those handles! Safety first, Dylan!)

    I only thought the creek-pollution caused blindness one time and I only lost my sunglasses one time — I’d call that a win!

    Here’s a card, maybe inspired by laughter-induced bladder incontinence. MAYBE NOT.

    LIFE spare underpants

    August 11, 2016
  • Roadhouse and Tea Towels and Poop Sandwiches

    My life is one big Sexy Action Thriller. And being a bouncer at the Double Deuce in Missouri when I was only ten years old was pretty intense. Sure, I had great hair and sure I had a winning smile, and sure I always made breaking up bar fights and drinking black coffee look sexy. That’s just who I am.

    FLAT.Fifth Grade Fran in front of the Double Deuce Roadhouse

    Truth is, practicing tai chi in your brother’s sweatpants and running a letterpress design studio with cards SOLD AROUND THE WORLD, takes discipline and dedication.

    Live Wires, our New Zealand distributor, knows this and sent us a token of appreciation.

    live wires tea towel

    I think they’re supposed to be for tea but I already used mine for sopping up blood from a letterpress-related (packing tape dispenser) injury. Thanks Helen Harvey!

    After I bandaged my wound, I made this:

    sorry poop sandwich

    July 31, 2016
  • As The World Turns

    My little sister had baby #2 last week, she gave birth at home but, strangely, didn’t ask me to participate.

    Despite my lack of presence, the birth went off without a hitch because anyone can boil water and get towels. (SORRY MOM.)

    I will give her this card the next time I break in to her house:

    I NEED ALL THE ATTENTIONALSO, I made this because I am so into politics:black white pirateSo, you don’t need to watch the news tonight. You’re welcome.

    July 21, 2016
  • I Dreamed a Dream

    Dinah told me about her crazy dream!

    She said we left her for two weeks with Tib and Jen so we could go to Cape Cod, and she had a fever and hair-balls. She said it was actually more like a nightmare — poor thing!

    I didn’t have the heart to tell her that her nightmare was real… that we did leave her for two weeks with Tib and Jen.

    But she isn’t alone. When she reads the blog, she’ll find out about our scary flight home. The airline warned us, but people just do whatever they want.DO NOT USE - allThe other passengers made calls on their flip-phones, watched who-knows-what on portable televisions, drove their remote-controlled cars up and down the aisle, talked to each other on walkie-talkies, and blasted music on transistor radios! Meanwhile we, The Law-Abiding, were stuck in the teeny-tiny bathroom, forced to take hysterical selfies.FRAN SCARED PLANE look at doorBUT, we managed to land safely, no thanks to all of that recklessness. I will NOT be giving them my latest Thank You Card.grass see ass

    July 13, 2016
  • 02630

    Cape Cod 2016 is (so far) drama AND cage-free. Wait, we did lose one member of the party searching for the water shut-off valve in the cellar.

    Cellar doorBen in cellar

    He was brave and will be missed.

    More importantly, we never found that shut-off valve! One life wasted.

    But we must carry on, he would have wanted it that way.Rocky and ApolloThe very next day was filled with so much splashing and laughter and sunscreen, I’m sure Ben was looking down on us and giggling! Oh, how he’d giggle!Edmund and Steve MarconiAND here’s a little thing from The Boston Globe about Millennials’ loving PAPER greeting cards. DUH.

    July 1, 2016
  • Mystery Solving and Scapegoating and Huge Fans

    This isn’t the first time I blamed The Cats for a crime they didn’t commit.

    Nor will it be the last. tib mugshotThe odor of rotten animal is unforgettable and like the odor of rotting potato, it is embedded in the brain. But sometimes the brain jumbles the smell of decomposing rodent with the smell of a blanket of maggots coating the bottom of the garbage can.

    And that is where my story begins…

    The Summer Breeze gently wafted through the upstairs windows. It was pleasant, until an occasional repulsive odor stung my nostrils. I blamed The Cats for hunting, killing, and hiding their prey somewhere on my second floor.

    But a search for a body was in vain and a garbage can investigation led me to the real suspect: that damn blanket of maggots coating the bottom of the garbage can!

    Mea culpa, Tib!  When will I ever trust you again??

    Speaking of breezes (and puns??)… Here’s a new thank you/congratulations card.really big fan

    June 18, 2016
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  • Rewriting History OR Making Ken Piper sit on Scary Santa’s Lap

    Dear Scary Santa,

    How is Mrs. Scary Santa? How are the reindeer? That’s nice.

    Could you please bring us our own architectural firm? Just like Mr. Brady from the Brady Bunch?

    brady-bunch

    He’s always making models in the den and walking around with rolled-up blueprints. It looks like so much fun. PLUS, we would totally take care of it. We figured out the best name for it:

    Tanek.

    Get it?

    It’s our names! Spelled backwards!!

    Anyway, we’ll let you get back to working with the elves.

    From,

    Ken & Nat

    big-screen-grab-santa-nat-k

    November 13, 2009
  • 18 New Cards for 2010

    Doesn’t that sound futuristic?

    2010.

    Anyway, you can come see them in person at the No-Coast Craft-o-Rama. It’s not until December but I know how my readers like to plan ahead.

    Yikes! My youth just scurried by. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.I'm clearing my calendar for your birthday. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.HURRY! That birthday is just around the corner. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.That's "MR. Happy Birthday" to you. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.This is a birthday card, not a bill. HALLELUJAH. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.Make it a double, it's your birthday. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.PSST, is this my birthday party or my funeral?  Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.OMGUR4T Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.Does this sandwich make me look old? Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.The gifts don't count themselves. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.A Christmas Stalking. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.I'll celebrate Christmas however I damn well please. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.the strong would surviveGreat. My parents just got home. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.CONGRATULATIONS on that big thing you got or did or whatever. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.Thank you for your support! Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.

    November 11, 2009
  • My very special night at Maiden Minnesota

    What a night! First, I was paper-bagged by my girlfriends and THEN I was handed a glass of wine and a sack full of pencils.

    We were greeted by a wall of women at the The Grave’s Hotel – I was frightened at first – it was like a giant bridal shower… I always feel awkward at bridal showers. This is going to surprise some people but I’m just not really a girly-girl. I can’t walk in heels and I have no idea what to do with make-up or hair. My casual wardrobe may as well be borrowed from the Cloggy’s Friday Night Karaoke Ladies. matthew-from-a-magazine

    fran-at-maiden-mn

    But who’s that in the bathroom with you, Fran? Well, silly, that’s my bathroom friend!

    Okay, onto the vendors at the event. What event? Hush. Illume Candles was there – spreading their joy through the scented candle. We’re printing their holiday card again this year. They’ll pay us in candle currency which they assured us is just as good as real money. Let’s see… then there was some stationery vendor… forgot the name… it wasn’t us… so I didn’t care… And lastly, Foat Design. They do urban couture and yoga wear. I chatted with one of the owners – A nice gal who claims to have a twin in San Francisco. I’m not buying it, I bet she made up the whole “twin thing” to get away with crime.

    November 7, 2009
  • When I get my hands on Santa

    Nothing says Christmas like sitting on a boozed up strangers lap. Especially if that stranger promises you all sorts of “goodies.”

    The 1970’s were a rich time for the Shea family. 5 of 8 kids had already come through the hatch, (what did she say?) Mr. had a job, Mrs. kept house. Santa Clause sat at Dayton’s just waiting to kick off Christmas-Time. I do remember wondering how he could waste precious toy-making time just SITTING THERE on that throne. That wondering turned into anxiety which turned into paralyzing fear.

    That might be why I’m not in this picture.

    santa-with-nat-em-zak-web

    Nat, Em, and Zak are in it.

    Andy and I are noticeably absent. There might have been a pants-wetting episode, or a throwing-up episode. Or a poopy-pants episode. Andy was always trying to get attention.

    With the help of photoshop, I’ll be revising history. Soon, Nat and his BUSINESS partner, Ken, will be sitting on Santa’s lap… together. Ken needs to scrape up some childhood memory and get it over to me. I will remove Em and Zak (Zak clearly wants to be removed) and replace them with a little Ken. THEN, I will create a 4-color process halftone – OF COURSE it will be 50 lines per inch.

    Duh.

    It will be the new holiday card for Tanek. The finest architectural firm in the land.

    I’ve heard it’s tricky to print a 4-color halftone using the letterpress printing method. But you know what I say to that??

    DO YOU?!

    I say, “you’re not so tricky!”

    So, here’s what that image looks like when it’s all pulled apart and put back together as a 4 color separation. Isn’t it delicious?santa-em-nat-zak-screen-grab-for-web1-450x353

    November 6, 2009
  • CPR

    Gasp… It’s… time… for… a… new… logo…zeichen-press-cpr-logo-simp

    October 25, 2009
  • Happy Monday!

    I wonder if schools are more selective about their teachers these days.

    I had a high-school teacher that greeted us with such giddy enthusiasm when we entered the classroom – I might say he “pranced” around the room, his little toesies all dressed up for the day in black, dress socks. I could see the socks because those feet weren’t stuffed into a smelly old shoe – no! They were free as you and me in a classic Birkenstock sandal.

    Seven Paula Figurines lined the front of his desk.

    paula-figurine

    Six of them kept their backs to us, the seventh would be turned to let us know what day of the week it was,”Happy Monday!” and so on. So much better than a calender.

    We were told that we should address him as “Doctor” – that title was later disputed. And revoked. Turns out it was all just a fantasy… oh, such a fantasy… I imagine myself getting a doctorate degree in religion…

    He described one of his teaching methods as “accelerated learning.” All students were required to put their heads on their desk – or grab one of his strange-smelling pillows from his “cubby-hole.” Classical music blaring, he read aloud – synchronizing the inflection of his voice to the swells and ebbs of the music.

    I wish I could remember what he read. Maybe it was the multiplication-tables. Or Jim Jones’ manifesto.

    October 19, 2009
  • Life is really going to change

    No more casual afternoons at Starbucks. No more sidewalk cafes. No more days at the park with the kids. No more walking down the sidewalk with a kid on my shoulders while sipping a Starbucks Latte while going to the sidewalk cafe from the park.

    Not any more. Because we’re celebrities. I know, I know – don’t worry – I’ll still make me-time.

    If you are living in a well, you might not have heard that Zeichen Press was proclaimed Best of Show by -my new favorite- magazine: Do It Yourself 

    do-it-yourself-cover-winter

    With the magazine in her hands and a cart full of groceries, Jen called me. She called me over the loudspeaker. I was in the frozen foods section and she ordered me to get myself to Lane 7. I did as I was told and Thank God because Jen was being dragged away by security – I got there in the nick of time, explaining that we were on a “living on your own” outing and I’d be taking her right back to the group home as soon as we bagged her groceries.

    Phew!

    Okay, here’s a sneak peak into the magazine – go and get your very own copy and don’t forget to buy some of our goddamn holiday cards.

    printed-and-pressed-diy-art

    October 16, 2009
  • Will I win the Nobel Peace Prize?

    Maybe. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t broker peace between nations. I’m no Dalai Lama. I’m no Barack Obama. I’m just kidding about that second one  -  I just wanted something to rhyme with Dalai Lama. Wait, what? Barack Obama really did win the Nobel Peace Prize? Oops. My bad. It’s hard, toiling away, day after day – trying to make this crazy planet just a little bit cheerier. Ghandi knows how I feel.

    *alfred-nobel

    Alfred “Alfie” Nobel

    What would Fran do?

     •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

     ANYWAY. I wrote some new cards. Perhaps, one day, they will bring peace to war-torn countries…

    •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••  *two-old-men-talking

    PSST, is this my birthday party or my funeral

    ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• *gifts-dont-count

    The gifts don’t count       themselves.
    ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *of-course-be-eaten

    The strong would survive the winter. The weak would, of course, be eaten.
    ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *im-christmas-stalking-you

    I’m Christmas Stalking you.
    ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *piano-lesson
    The Christmas concert would be her chance for revenge.

    •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *lounging-women

    I’ll celebrate Christmas however I damn well please.

    •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *man_wrapping-package-18_lg

    I hope she likes thoughts that count.

    •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *bra-ad2

    Thank you for your support.
    •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    *lovebirds_14525

    Great. My parents just got home.

    ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

    October 15, 2009
  • Wishes DO come true!

    It’s no secret that I have always wanted 300 feet of bubble wrap.

    Somebody (Jen) had it delivered to our headquarters – it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen on my doorstep. Although… the Sunday paper is nice to see when I open the door…or girl scouts selling cookies. Hmm, one of my stalkers once left a skinned, boiled squirrel on my doorstep… that was strange – and I still don’t get the  message – was it: “Love me back, or I’ll boil and skin you” or was it “I am capable of providing small game for your meals.”

    Oh, I guess I’ll never know.

    bubble-wrap-delivery

    October 7, 2009
  • ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

    Done.

    a-z-type-room-and-board

    Do not worry. IF you can’t get your sad self to the Room and Board nearest you, you can shop online!

     It’s true. But not yet. NOT YET. The ink isn’t even dry.

    Did I mention that I will be the lunchmeat between the bread named Jackson Pollock and Andy Warhol? What a strange, virtual sandwich. Speaking of sandwiches: I decided to take a break from printing to do some printing and I made this:

    does-this-sandwich-make-me-450x337

     

    October 5, 2009
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