Zeichen Press – Page 17 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Swine Flu and the Fish Pond

We had a special guest for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! : The Swine Flu�aka:H1N1�That’s just what we needed to shake things up�around here! Oh, and nothing brings a family together like contagious disease. I mean it. I barely notice my kids unless their eyes get glassy and they vomit on my bedroom floor. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, a nosebleed will get my attention -and so will a 2 am phone call from the Edina Police. Oh, kids!

I heard that “scientists” are working on some sort of “immunization” for this particular version of the flu. They can just inject themselves with their magic potion. I’m not standing in line at the Walgreens with a bunch of clammy people. Anyway, I discovered the cure: 100 episodes of Malcom in the Middle�and lots of popsicles. When The Plague finally, and politely, exited our home – I felt that I needed another challenge:

The�Fish Pond at St. Helena’s:

Of course!�Everyone knows what a daredevil I am – I just couldn’t say no to Jen’s (repeated) requests to “volunteer.”� I don’t regret a moment. In fact, I’m pretty sure that my time in Purgatory is reduced by exactly the same amount of hours that I spent in that claustrophobic booth. That’s five hours, God. Should I go on and on about the ROOM & BOARD project I’m working on?�21 down, only 279 to go!�I love you, grayish-brownish-not-quite-taupe-ish-sort-of-smog-ish ink.

September 23, 2009
Would You Rather…?

Vomit blood for a week or have a nail gun misfire so that the nail pierces your eyeball?*

WHICH ONE DO YOU CHOOSE?!

Maybe I’d choose the vomiting… I hear the ICU is like staying in a fancy hotel.�You see? Life is about choices. Or wait… is it about rolling with the punches?�Having your eye sewn shut is worse than getting punched – Maybe life is about getting your nail-pierced-eyeball sewn shut.

Yes. That sounds about right.

��

* These events are true and happened to two men that I know. Both named Ben.

September 7, 2009
Psycho Suzie’s and the Fu Manchu

I can’t wait to turn 40.

Jen did it and she got a Fu Manchu AND pickles. It was a very special evening – one she will never remember.

See how the Fu Manchu put her under his spell? Isn’t he cunning? Poor Jen, she never had a chance.

September 3, 2009
Best In Show

I was always jealous of those farm kids at the State Fair. Barefoot and confident, covered in dust � their coveralls did indeed coverall, catching every drip of ice cream, every drop of grease. I imagined that they slept right on the hay bales that penned off their milking goats – what a life!

Their blue-ribbon proudly pinned for all the Fair-Goers to see.�And�The City Kids lined up to milk�their�goats!�Why can’t I have a goat? Why can’t I run around the fair barefoot � ringworm be damned!�

I guess�that DIY story�is coming together � one of the writers called me on my telephone… I kept telling her everything was “off the record” – she seemed confused. I can’t just open myself up to the public.� They did ask me to create Headlines for the other “Best In Show” categories. I wanted to do them in macaroni but they reminded me that I own a design and�letterpress�studio – not a design and macaroni�studio. Now I feel like a missed the boat on that concept.

Here are some of the headlines they asked for:

Oh, they also wanted some blue ribbons:

August 15, 2009
Sankyou Panko Japanese Style Breading (box)

“How can we be expected to teach children to read when they can’t even fit inside the building?”-Derek Zoolander

It turns out that Panko Japanese Style�Breading boxes are the perfect size for my Press (kit) Boxes! It’s true. Now my family will enjoy breaded EVERYTHING for the next two weeks.

Breaded meat, breaded not-meat, breaded bread… YUMMY. � �

The boxes have been turned inside-out, printed on, and stuffed with a variety of cards. I might sprinkle extra breading in for packing… We’ll see. I’d say that I’m sending them to my favorite magazines but that’s not entirely true.

Bass Master, Muslim Girl, and Quick Quilts didn’t make the cut.

Who did?

Oprah and Martha. And others. I think Oprah and Martha should combine forces, the masses would kneel before them.

August 12, 2009
Chanukah and the Beach

Back on the Cape (Cod) again. I spent a restless night out in the barn. Maybe it was the vinyl covered futon OR my teenager’s shenanigans OR the twin mosquitos that took turns attacking me. I just don’t know – I just don’t know why my uncomfortable evening produced this:

(Inside: God bless you.)

August 6, 2009

A Blessed Event

Mawage.

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…According to TMZ, Kanye and Kim just got engaged.�(Awww).�Kanye rented out a baseball stadium, hired an orchestra to play Kim’s favorite song, got on one knee and presented her with a 15 carat diamond ring.

Is that all?

I think the space shuttle is rentable. So is Lana Del Ray. And so are all of the South African diamond mine workers.

I expect more from Kanye.

I’ll send him this card.

November 3, 2013
With Eyes Closed And One Hand Tied Behind My Back

There has been much debate and fury over genetically modified food.

But what about genetically modified children?

WHAT ABOUT THAT??PS: I wrote this blog post on my iPhone because I despise easy things.

October 31, 2013
Best Greeting Cards

So says�Minnesota Monthly.

And my mom.

Jen and I went to the�Best Of 2013�party�and dazzled the crowd with our�Double Dream Hands routine.�

Best Greeting Cards?

More like, Best Moves.

October 25, 2013
With Sash And Tiara, We Reign

When Minnesota Monthly added Zeichen Press to their�Best of the Twin Cities�list, Jen and I finally polished our tiaras.And had our likenesses sculpted out of butter.

Delicious.

October 18, 2013
Easily Distracted In Class

I think that box was checked on my elementary school progress reports…�But who could be bothered with such details??

Not me. NOT ME. And that’s why I secured a blank progress report, checked the best boxes, and brought it to my parents.

See? I wasn’t�that�easily distracted.

��

I am busy taking photographs of the new cardsbut not too busy to document some pretty fascinating activity:

Aren’t you glad you watched that??

I know I’m supposed to be doing something… Oh, that’s right, putting hungry vegetables on a card.No??

It’ll come to me after I stare out the window and pet that cat.

October 11, 2013
Brain-Slaves

His conscience was clear and his heart light amidst all his troubles; so he went peaceably to bed, left all his cares to Heaven, and soon fell asleep.�In the morning after he had said his prayers, he sat himself down to his work; when, to his great wonder, there stood the shoes all ready made, upon the table.Elves!�

(Sorry about the spoiler if you haven’t read that Fairy Tale.)

I went to a neurologist and he discovered elves in my occipital lobe and that explains everything!Every night, I go peaceably to bed, leave all my cares to Heaven, and soon fall asleep � but not before I aggressively ruminate on an idea for a new card. While I sleep, the elves get to work and when I wake up, the new card is done!

Thank the elves for this new card:THANK THEM.

October 2, 2013
Ode To My TV (and more)

In the spirit of AMC’s award winning dramas,�Mad Men�and�Breaking Bad, comes something written by the devil himself.

With a script scrawled on toilet paper, using a fountain pen filled with raw sewage,�Pencil Pusher�weaves a tale so dark, so depressing, viewers are advised to swallow two Xanax before viewing.

Meet Ernie Frost: One cog in a massive corporate wheel, one man in one cubicle surrounded by countless other cubicles… Floor upon floor of fabric-covered partitions spread like open prairie.

Deadly open prairie…

Gone are the days of positive incentives and opening the kimono, these are days of the Corporate Gulag.

But�Ernie Frost�has a plan to end the nightmare…

��

Phew! Now I won’t have to throw a brick at my t.v. after the last episode of Breaking Bad.

September 25, 2013
Why I’m Such A Catch

Foraging for low-tide treasure is my third favorite thing to do.

But what are your top two favorite things to do?

Nerf Ping Pong

and smashing pi�atas.

What about your top TEN?

Glad you asked.

Cat midwifery,

cracking glow sticks, raising tadpoles, Belgian beer, letterpress printing,�Breaking Bad,and yoga (just kidding). Number ten is turtle-hunting.

I know what you’re thinking.

What a lady!

Whoa. WHOA.�Hands off the merchandise.

Remember when I was talking about low-tide?

Here’s a card that features one of my favorite low-tide critters.Wouldn’t you love to get this card with a�nice bottle of wine??

And by “you”, I mean “I”.

September 17, 2013
A Dream, Realized AND So Much More

Everyone knows that St. Helena has The Best Fall Festival, this side of the Mississippi.

I did hear that Nativity in St. Paul has a snake pit and a freak-show…

But Saint Helena has rides and games and prizes � prizes like t-shirts that Jen and I made for the Duck Shoot!Yeehaw!!

Give a kid a cork gun, step back (STEP BACK), and watch the magic!Jen is DUCKing.

September 14, 2013
Summit of Greeting Cards

After spending $80,000 on climbing gear and an entourage of Sherpas�in Nepal,

the Canadian woman reached the Summit of Mount Everest.

I’m sure it was glorious.

The relief, the pride, the joy!

BUT, she forgot one teeny-tiny thing: enough oxygen for her descent. With temperatures hovering around -30� and an altitude of 22,000 ft., she laid her body down on the side of the mountain.�

And died.

Lesson??

Never trust a Sherpa.

Zeichen Press reached a summit too! We’ve been climbing Mount Greeting Card for a looong time and we finally reached the tippity-top:�Urban Outfitters.

…But now I’ll have to set a new goal… Suggestions?

Urban Outfitters bought this card � but just to be fancy, it will be printed with a bright blue ink:Let’s do this, indeed.

September 8, 2013