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Man vs. Himself
I was once one of them an innocent amusement park customer. I looked down at them now, from the highest man-made point in Shakopee, Minnesota.I sighed and listened to thechug-chug-chuggingfrom beneath our coaster our lives depended on the integrity of a giant bicycle chain.Our open-casket hesitated for just a moment at the tippy-top of the steel summit hesitated just enough for me to grasp the inevitable free-fall.And as we plummeted to our possible deaths, I screamed.
And wet my pants.
The End
How old was she?
Don’t judge me.
Obviously,I wasn’t born riding a roller coaster,I was born screaming. And wetting my pants.
*Hint: this photograph was taken close to the time of the event and **Double Hint: I’m not the baby.
Speaking of literary themes, there is a lot (not really) to dissect in this new (Holiday/Winter Season?) card:
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Countdown To Countdown
The newspaper is delivered to our doorstep each morning (by horse and buggy) and I comb through it if I find a particularly odd/sad/absurd story, I read it aloud to whomever (the dog) is nearby.
Here is an abbreviated digest of the only (two) articles I remember from the past (two) months:(In alphabetical order)
1) Stratosphere jump by daredevil, Felix Baumgartner:In an attempt to break the world record, Felix jumped from a capsule suspended 23 miles above Roswell, New Mexico.
I plan on breakingthatrecord when I get tired of this whole letterpress thing.
2) Talking elephant in South Korea loves Zeichen Press.Strange but true.
Crazy?! I know! Koshik’s trainer must $*#%-love Zeichen Press.
Enough time-wasting.
Here is a new Christmas card (availableNEXTChristmas. Sorry).
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Winter Preview
The Winter Walk Home from school included two memorable rituals: Dipping our un-mittened hands in 25 Tom Thumb coffee(how old IS she?)and passing by a very high retaining wall.
The wall held up the yard of our enemies: Two freckle-faced, red-headed brothers. These boys went to aPublic Schooland as if that isn’t bad enough, they took great pleasure in tormenting me.
I will remind you thatthisis what I looked like:
Why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?
Armed with boulders of snow, poised-and-ready atop the wall they would wait. Down Vincent Avenue I trudged: snow-pants under my plaid skirt, grease-covered hand-me-down coat, knit cap with sheepskin earflaps.
Again, why would anyone want to harm such a sweet creature?
I won’t tell you the ending.
We had a dusting of snow the other day but I knew better than to break out the snow-pants and knit cap. It was merely a teaser, a preview, an appetizer, an AMUSE-GUEULE.
Speaking of snow,here’s a new card:
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Winternship & Skin Suits
Zeichen Press has never had a Wintertime Intern.
Until now.
I expect the new “intern” to make me laugh.It’s an important job.She also claims she will sort type and organize cards but we’ll see. WE’LL SEE.
In other news:I made ANOTHERThinking Of Youcard. I thought and thought about what sort of message I’d like to receive if I were down-in-the-dumps, and I came up with this:
My sister wanted me to showThe-Softer-Side-Of-Fran, but all I could think of was Marshmallow Fluff and then I just wanted to sit on the beach and pull hermit crabs out of their shells.What is wrong with me?
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Snail Mail : Our Bread & Butter
There has been an ethical debate raging regarding snail shell art. Some feel that humans have the right to decorate the shells ofliving snails.
Where do I stand?The following new birthday card reveals my feelings on this sensitive subject:
Please respect my freedom of speech.Speaking offreedom: Come down toFoiled Againon Saturday night for somefreewine. While you’re there, you could buy some of our cards!
Two birds! One stone!
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Insomnia and the Woolly Mammoth
I can’t wait until scientists clone the Woolly Mammoth.
Some might call it reckless curiosity, I call it Vegas-style science. Implanting salvaged Woolly Mammoth nuclei into an unsuspecting Asian Elephant sounds safe to me what could happen?
Meanwhile,I lay awakeandimagine receiving (or not receiving) a baby Woolly Mammoth as a gift.
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I’ve Never Been To Paris
But Ididtake French in high school so I know all about magnetephones, l’autobus, et la lunettes pour Luc.
For the foreseeable future, I will stay within a 30 mile radius of the Zeichen Press headquarters and dream of faraway lands.
Feeling the need for a Field Trip, I went to the Other Side Of Minneapolis and visitedRex Mills. I walked through the front door, broke the tenth commandment,(You shall not covet- geez, get your mind out of the gutter)pretended I had something in my eye, snapped some photos, threw a drink in the owner’s face, stole five pounds of ink, and left.
That man in the photograph is not the owner Rex Mills hasPress Operators.I will kidnap him as soon as my taser gun arrives in the mail.
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But Wait, There’s More!
Bears have it best fattening up and slipping into their Wintertime coma. I sit here, like a fool, planning my Wintertime Wardrobe if I never had to shower, I would wear my neck to ankle long-underwear uninterrupted.
I have Faith that Winter will eventually turn to Spring.
In Spring, I will tear off my layers of long-underwear. I will bury my Smartwool in the backyard. I will shun my calf-length coat like an old boyfriend.(I can’t believe I was with YOU!!)
In Spring, kids graduate from educational institutions. And because I am a Giver, I give you these:New graduation cards.Don’t be like, “Why are you thinking about graduation in October?”
Just accept the greeting card calendar. ACCEPT IT.
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MakeReady-Or-Not
How To Play:
Witch
Using a neighborhood approved selection method (engine, engine #9 bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, etc.) selectThe Witch.
Use the same method to select aGuinea Pig.
The remaining players areRunners.
The Witchleads The Guinea Pigaway. (This should be terrifying.) The Witch hidesThe Guinea Pignot on the garage roof. (This might be tempting. Don’t do it.)
The Witchgives (verbally) a list of tasks toThe Guinea Pig things like:A)Run around the house three times singingThe Happy Birthday Song.B)Dig a hole, bury one June Bug in it.C)Fill a hat with decorative rocks from the neighbor’s garden, etc.
At this point,The Witchmust call out “ready-or-not!” from wherever he/she is waiting/hiding.
The “tasks” given to theThe Guinea Pigare meant to lure theRunnersoff their safe-base and into the waiting/hiding clutches ofThe Witchwhile searching for the hiddenGuinea Pig.
When/if anyRunnersare caught byThe Witch,he or sheturns them intoAnother Guinea Pig.Meaning: They are hidden and given anewlist of tasks forThe Runnersto complete.
When tasks are completed for a particularPig,aRunnermust free them by tagging.The Guinea Pigmust run to the safe-base without being caught byThe Witch.
IfThe RunnerssuccessfullyfreeThe Guinea Pig(s),they win the game.
IfThe Witchcatches all ofThe Runners, she/he wins the game.
* If someone wets their pants during course of play, a “time-out” should be called and fresh pants should replace wet pants.
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In a bold (not really) and unprecedented (true) move, Zeichen Press will be offereing box sets of greeting cards that arenotletterpress printed.
Hold your applause until the end.
We call this ourMakeready Collection.
Why?
Letterpress printers (like us) need to test placement, packing, and color when printing something new. The same old piece of paper is printed on over and over again, resulting in an odd (and might I add, paranormal?) mishmash of goodness.
OurMakeready Collectionimitates this letterpress printing practice using a computer andsome other kind of printing. (Offset)
Here are the three designs: (Available for The New Year)
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Your Marriage vs. The Zombie Apocalypse
I’m not a lawyer or a scientist but I understand the importance of writing marital vows that contain language relating to soulless corpses.
I know it’s notZombie Seasonbecause the weather is cooler and I know the weather is cooler because the maggots in the garbage bin magically disappeared. The rash of zombie activity this Summer has inspired me to rewrite my vows I simply cannot have my husband strip naked and eat my face on the turnpike.
Give this card to newlyweds or oldyweds:
