Zeichen Press – Page 19 – Design & Letterpress for the people.

Hello, my name is

Remember when�I talked about my naming skills?�No?�That’s okay, I barely remember it myself.�Anyway,�I did a project with�The Carney Group�- I named a product that debuted at the�2011 MacWorld Expo�to much adulation. Wait, that’s a pretty strong word. To much�curiosity.�They made the Top 3 Happening Booths but I think that had more to do with the bearded�CodeWeavers�COO dressing as Cher (I think that’s Cher?? Yucky!)

than the name I chose for the product – which was, by the way:�Impersonator. See, it’s software that let’s your Mac run Windows apps without running Windows.

So brilliant.

David Pogue of the�New York Times�called it “hilarious” and one of the most creative pitches he’d seen all year.

I wonder if he meant�last year�because otherwise it would just be one of the most creative pitches he’d seen in January. I also wonder if he meant it was one of the most�disturbing�pitches he’d seen.

I wrote a lot of funny lines and made some cool logos

BUT all of my creative was for naught.

For naught.

They wrote their own lines and made their own logo. That’s cool. I don’t even care. I don’t. I totally let it go. Totally. I’m fine. Oh, here’s a little video�I made (rejected by them – which I’m totally fine with. I am. I’m fine. It’s cool. Whatever. It doesn’t even bother me.) to go with the name.�Close the blinds and turn on the projector, here’s IMPERSONATOR:

January 31, 2011
Working in the Bathtub

I love the ladies of the�Jelly Shot Test Kitchen. And when I say I�love�them it means I�love�that they trust us. Trust us to create business cards�of the future.�We’re not sure how lasers work but we all saw Superman II.

These days, lasers are used for more than just pulverizing concrete. And I can prove it:

The latest project for JSTK has nothing to do with lasers. Or letterpress -�don’t they know we do LETTERPRESS??��They asked us to create some instructional films.

Naturally, I cleaned my bathtub and got to work:

Here’s what I made:

January 9, 2011
Goodbye 2010

2010 has a short driveway and as we backed down it we (I) felt wistful. It seems like only last year we were�freezing in Brainerd. Here we are again, eating thick-cut bacon and praying for the strength to survive round after round of Name That Tune. I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions because the prisons are overcrowded as it is and also because the world isn’t ready for my style of leadership. (Deer-in-the-headlights.)

This was a big year for Zeichen Press – and as I sit in my Fiberglass Insulated Cell, I feel gratitude. I also feel greasy from all of the bacon, but like the sparrow, I will take a sand-bath to freshen up when the time is right. A new website,�a fleet of reps,�prints in Room & Board, the dog’s wig:

Who wouldn’t be grateful? I believe Jen and I are coming up on The Five Year Anniversary of Our Zeichen Press Partnership – we will celebrate by not murdering each other in cold blood.

Don’t worry, we’ll send out Save-The-Date cards.

January 1, 2011
Magic Birthday

Aunt Clare –>

In other words, it’s her�Magic Birthday! �The�Orange Five print was created especially for her:

It’s pretty tasty and she may try to lick the ink but I can’t be responsible for that. Just like I can’t be responsible for anything I did from 1985 – 1995.

December 29, 2010
Are we there yet?

Christmas is just around the corner and that can only mean one (or more) thing(s): The shop is closed and the kitchen is open.

ALSO, it means that the children and animals are underfoot (more than usual) because of the 5 foot snowdrifts blocking the exits.

But don’t worry if you haven’t sent (or bought) your Christmas cards, yet! We (Jen and I, mostly Jen) are here to hold your hand straight through this blustery season! Did you know that (legally) you can send “Christmas” cards until January 6? THAT, is the official end of the Christmas Season because that’s when the Wise Men hauled it to the manger.

*Playmobile dramatization.

I used to mark the end of the Christmas Season by my son’s birthday (February 7). That day meant it was time to shove the Christmas tree out the second story window before the arrival of the birthday party guests.�Now�the tree stays until it becomes a fire hazard, and not a moment longer.�So responsible!

So, speaking of an Epiphany: Don’t waste another minute reading this scatology! Go and buy some�Seasonal Cards!

December 22, 2010
Snow on Snow on Snow

Ummmmmmmmmm… it’s, like, snowing.

We tried to venture out in it today but then we saw this:

And this:

That’s a snow plow in a ditch on the side of the highway.

Now we’re doing our Christmas shopping sans danger from our�computer�-�you can too!

December 11, 2010

Gratitude For Summer Intern Expressed Through Semaphore (Etc.)

I wrapped myself in bacon yesterday for a phone interview with�Mpls. St. Paul magazine.

I was, I’m sure,�delicious.

She wanted to talk about�the new book�but I wanted to talk about the last episode of Long Island Medium.

She said she was too “busy” to talk about what I wanted to talk about.�What? Too busy to care??

Moving on:

Zeichen Press found a new intern and she already promised to fold my laundry. I’ll give her this new card as soon as she puts my clothes away:

June 4, 2013
This Blog Post Would Be Better If It Was Wrapped In Bacon

I live on a farm so I can swim through my gold coin-filled silos like Uncle Scrooge McDuck. My latest money-making scheme is sure to fill its very own silo: A downloadable collection of our cards turned cartoons!�

I’ve requested that royalties be paid in gold doubloons.

Download yours today!

May 26, 2013
Hey, You Got Your Nature In My Peanut Butter

Clip-clop-clip-clop… I watched her gracefully stroll down 28th Street. She, a 125 pound White Tailed Deer, came towards me on the sidewalk. Her head turned left and right, taking in the scenery like a tourist. I sat as still as a frightened rabbit, hoping she would mistake me for something non-threatening. The air was perfectly calm and the smoke from my cigarette rose straight into the sky. Oh, but she noticed me! We were locked in a staring contest for what felt like forever, and then she bounced away. Faster than I knew a deer could run, she bounded across Hennepin Avenue.And a bear wandered up to a strip mall last week in Cottage Grove. I felt it should be commemorated.

May 20, 2013
Please Like This

It�s time to free ourselves from the shackles of this social networking monster.

We are ignorant prisoners, dragging our metal cups across the bars while our warden�stuffs his fat face with naturally-cased wieners.

We are school children, wandering like�Wii avatars, waiting for the bell to ring only to be called in to diagram sentences.

We are the Israelites�crushed by our taskmasters, waiting for the supernatural smiting of the Egyptians.

Rise up, people. Stop rowing the slave ship.�The candy tasted�so good�before we got in the van, but�now we must be deprogrammed. Make no mistake about it � this is some sort of Stockholm Syndrome.�Oh, the candy� so sweet, so forbidden, so Turkish-Delighty.

Damn you, Facebook!

I�ve�flushed my precious time down the toilet. Time I�ll never get back. Just like the year I got hooked on Party�of Five � those orphaned Salingers led by their gorgeous brother/carpenter, Matthew Fox�

Oh, but it�s done�now. No point in looking back. Friend requests, status updates, profile pictures � word combinations unwittingly�added to the English lexicon!

I�ve got a word for you:�insidious.

Never has there been such a tool, such a divisive tool.�It wears a party hat and mixes the strongest drinks, watching the party-goers behave like jackasses.�Why?

Ask son-of-a-dentist/billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg. Mr. Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment during�the writing of this, and it�s no wonder. He�s in Palo Alto, counting his drug money. I�m booking a flight to Palo Alto�and am either going to personally punch him in the face or flatter him until he hires me as his �personal secretary.��The second scenario is obviously more lucrative. The point is, I will no longer be in this creepy symbiotic�relationship.

I will be free. (cue the MLK footage)

May 11, 2013
Living Near the Edge-ish

Print shops are full of danger.

Hands mangled, digits lost, clothes torn right off of bodies… (I better fact-check that last one).

Zeichen Press is no exception.

Behold:Look if you must.�Sometimes it is better to face the painful, it desensitizes the mind.

That’s good, right?

Because I am so committed to my craft, I (by “I”, I mean “my son”) squished the spider, and finished laying out this card:Mother’s Day is coming up but you don’t have to get your mom a card.

May 3, 2013
Ever-Expanding Empire

Three new rep groups this Spring.

THREE.

These new (lucky) states are: Virginia, West Virginia, Idaho, Montana, Alaska, and New Mexico. Each rep gets a box of goodies, packed by Jen:

I bet that’s a lot of work.

I wish I could help but I’m too busy watching Pam watch kittens on televison while I lay in bed.

I DID write/design some new cards � I’ve heard that laughing is as good for your body as eating so I plan to airdrop some new cards to the starving people in the world.

I’m sure they’ll be grateful.�

April 26, 2013
Safe To Molt Now

Has Science gone too far?

Days and nights blurred as the scientist toiled alone � well, not exactly alone � his companions (experiments) lived in a collection of cages. His laboratory (pronounced:�lah-boooar-atory) was nestled between the Russkoe Slovo Bookshop and the hydro-electric plant in Krasnoyarsk.�

His mission?

To create super-species. Behold his first success… and his new friend:Well, congratulations Doctor Hvorostovsky!

And now on to my creations:

(not nearly as controversial)

April 25, 2013
Such Strong Language

But how can I be tame when I am thrust into such an atmosphere?�I have only one thing to say:

April 23, 2013
Purgatorio di Pesce

That sounds delicious!

If Spring would come I wouldn’t be forced to sit here and email sell sheets to hundreds of newspapers around the country.�I won’t complain about the weather because that’s about as interesting as listening to someone list their health problems. But I WILL say this:

If I lived in Hawaii, there’d be no Zeichen Press.

See, I can always find the blessing in disguise.Oh fine, here’s a new card � inspired by the endless Winter:

April 21, 2013
Always Winter but never Christmas (or Spring)

The woman gazes through her window. A window covered in dog-drool, a window with a view of only one season: Winter. She stares, slack-jawed, at the slow parade of life.

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area we call the Twilight Zone.

SERIOUSLY?!?

April 17, 2013